While some bereaved couples are drawn closer by the tragedy which has come upon them, others are torn apart and their suffering increased. Many bereaved parents feel isolated, and this may be more intense for those coping alone. The loneliness of living without our child can be quite overwhelming. However, much support for grieving parents is offered through The Compassionate Friends.

A single parent may not have anyone with whom to share the intimate memories of their child's daily life, cannot say "Do you remember when...?" Taking decisions, making arrangements - about the funeral, the child's room and belongings, and so on - are agonising for all bereaved parents, but can be more so for those coping on their own, especially if they are without friends or family to help in these sad tasks. If you have other children you may want to involve them, and both may find comfort and support in this sharing.

Making a book about your child's life, with photographs, letters, little items, can be a great help both for you and others in the family, helping to keep relationships close at this difficult time. Anniversaries, holidays and special occasions are particularly distressing in the early years; the thoughtful presence of family or friends can help ease the anguish.

Alone through bereavement

If you are alone because of the death of your partner, you may find that, in addition to the death of your child, you are reliving that earlier death too, and this will be very painful. Children can be similarly affected.

Separated or divorced

Parents in this situation may have an amicable relationship, and the children may have had regular contact with both parents. However, this is not always so. The death of the child may have occurred in the presence of only one parent, and the blame and guilt that all bereaved parents feel can be aimed at, as well as experienced by, the parent who had responsibility for the child.

Separated parents may be drawn into contact with each other, with one or other parent perhaps wanting to restore the partnership. Alternatively, earlier problems may be revived, or one parent may now be in another relationship. It may help to make use of a local mediation or counselling service to help cope with, for example, anger that may be displaced onto the children, friends or even strangers.

Loss of an only child

The death of an only child is a particular tragedy and the loss of the physical and emotional relationship can sometimes lead you to wonder if you are still a parent. But, as all members of The Compassionate Friends know, you will always be a parent; the relationship does not cease with the death of our child.

A parent whose only child has died may worry about their own demise, and wonder who will 'look after things' for them.

Returning to work

There are additional concerns for single parents who are also the breadwinners and may have to return to work very quickly for financial reasons. Bereaved parents often temporarily lose concentration, or forget things, and this can be worrying, but it gradually rights itself. Perhaps you can discuss this with a personnel manager or a sympathetic friend.

Support for surviving children

It is often difficult for a mother or father alone to meet the needs of their other children. The fatigue, the apathy and the anger that are part of grief can be expressed in ways which neither the parent nor the children understand. Children's reactions will vary according to their age: our leaflet Our surviving children offers help and suggestions for all ages, from babies to young adults. You may find it helpful to share the burden with friends, teachers, ministers and/or leaders of groups or clubs your children attend; support for children from outside the home can be a great relief for everyone.

TCF produces a quarterly newsletter (SIBBS: Support In Bereavement for Brothers and Sisters) which is edited by siblings. There is also a contact network for these young people.

Coping alone

Parents who have been coping alone before this tragedy will have developed skills and strengths that will be very useful now. Dependable friendships made before the death of the child may continue to play an important supportive role. Sometimes it might be necessary to explain that it can often be more helpful to spend time together quietly, sharing thoughts or domestic chores, rather than going out and being sociable.

Some parents may turn to alcohol or drugs; these can dull the pain temporarily, but are not of long-term help.

Almost all bereaved people need the comfort of touch. This may be an arm round the shoulder, a touch on the arm, a caring hug. Perhaps it is here that a solo parent may feel their aloneness most acutely. If there are other children this will be a help, for the comforting will be mutual - both giving, both receiving. But this area of touch can be a difficult one. It is not always easy to find adults with whom to build a relationship, who will try to understand the very profound and variable emotions parents experience after the death of their child. The emotional see-saw of bereavement is as bewildering to parents as it is to others.

Sometimes the solace of touch may be found in aromatherapy and massage, and many church services offer the comfort of a handshake or embrace with other members of the congregation.

Building a new life

In time, when the acute grief has passed, we may feel ready to start to build a new life. It cannot physically include our son or daughter, but he or she will always be an unseen member of our family. Taking steps to do this is often difficult, and lonely too, but family and friends can be helpful in encouraging us to rejoin previous activities, or to find new ones, so moving forward into the new life.

Support through The Compassionate Friends

Deep friendships are often formed between members of TCF, from the shared experience that does not have to be 'explained'.

Support is offered by TCF in a variety of ways for parents, who may use any, some or all of them. Through your TCF Contact you will learn of group meetings which may be held in different parts of the county, or perhaps one-to-one visiting, depending on circumstances. (Your Contact may also know of other local support organisations for single parents; details of nationwide organisations may be had from our national office.)

TCF publishes a quarterly Newsletter, mostly written by members, and through which many penfriendships are found. There is a range of leaflets, and we have an extensive Postal Library. Some parents find both reading and writing very therapeutic. Telephone support can also be offered. Companionship can come through any of these ways.

Most important of all, we offer the knowledge that many, many other parents have gone through what you are now enduring. Through the different TCF supports, you can draw on their experiences, talk over in a safe place your fears and worries - most of us think we're going mad at some time, for instance - learn from others how they coped with their child's room and belongings, what helped their other children, how they coped with returning to work. No two stories can be exactly the same, but there are many similarities of circumstance, and to know this can be very helpful indeed.

Looking forwards

Invariably, we discover an inner strength we never knew we had. Yes, there will be a lot of bad days, and few 'good' ones, but gradually the proportions will change as we slowly grow into our 'new normality' and learn to live without the physical presence of our dearly-loved child. They remain in our hearts for ever, and we never cease to love them.

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