Back at work

After the death of our son or daughter, our whole life changes, radically and for ever. Established routines at home alter; relationships with our partner and other family members may be affected; and we are unable or unwilling to perform routine chores. Work is different, though, for that has carried on, unaffected, in spite of the suffering that we have been experiencing. When we return, we will have to re-join that world and do the best we can, while our hearts are elsewhere.

As we struggle to adjust to a life without our son or daughter, we need support and understanding not only from our family and friends but also from those with whom we work.

Going back to work

Some of us return to work very soon after the death of our child, some of us after months at home. Our return can depend on several factors: our need to pick up the threads of normal life; responsibilities at work; financial necessity; the expectations of our employer; fear of losing our job; and the extra workload on our colleagues who are covering for us – any of these may make us feel we must return swiftly.

Sometimes being back at work can give us respite from the turmoil at home, and in our concentration on work matters we gain temporary release from our grief.

The first day back can be nerve-racking. The longer the time that has elapsed between our child's death and our return, the harder it will be to make the step, and the more frightening to leave the security of home. We will be acutely anxious as to how we might be received, and how we will cope with the day and with the different people around us.

It may be possible for us to make a short visit to work, perhaps to do some undemanding job, before we make a full return. Part-time or flexible hours can also help to ease us back into our old routine. These may, however, not be available or appropriate for everyone.

It helps if those we work with have been told of our child's death, so that we do not have to explain. The presence of work colleagues at the funeral can also be very supportive, though most of us have little control over that. Talking about the tragedy is important: we need people to acknowledge our child's death when we return to work. If the death is ignored , we can feel resentful or angry, a sense of unreality in that our whole life has been devastated and no one wants to know about it.

How our colleagues may react

The way our son or daughter died can affect people's reactions when we go back to work. Our colleagues may struggle to find words, and for some the mere thought of losing a son or daughter is too terrible to contemplate. It is hard when our colleagues retreat into silence; it may be up to us to make the first move in opening the subject, so that we can gradually resume our previous relationship.

If there has been media coverage about the death, there may be curiosity as well as embarrassment, with everybody feeling uncomfortable. Again, perhaps a lead from us, or from a sympathetic colleague, can help to lessen the awkwardness. As time goes by we hope others will take their cues from us. If we manage to smile and chat again (although we may need to pretend for a while), they will feel more comfortable and will react in a more natural way than when we first returned. Tolerance and understanding shown to us then can lessen the stress considerably.

The Compassionate Friends (TCF) produces a leaflet Helping a bereaved employee which some find useful to show other ways in which we can be supported at this difficult time. We may need time off to attend the inquest, to keep counselling or medical appointments.

How grief affects us

Some of us find some comfort and relief in getting back to work, in the feeling that our life has structure again and that we are settling back into a more normal routine than the disruption back home. Sometimes just putting on our usual work clothes, the semblance of normality, can give us enough impetus to start each day. ‘Putting on the uniform' or ‘playing the role' help to give our emotions a sort of camouflage, where we can put everything on hold for a few hours. We may leave our grief at the door of our workplace, shutting down on everything to do with our child's death and wishing no comment or sympathy from others. This way can work for some of us, for a time anyway.

It is not easy to compartmentalise our grief and sometimes it impacts on our work, however hard we try. It affects our concentration, and often we find ourselves spending time at work on automatic pilot, waiting until we get into the car or back home so that we can release all the pent up emotions.

Often routine work is easier to handle; we can keep going for a while, relying on our skills to get us through. If we work with the public, we may have more difficulty because they are unlikely to know about our tragedy. For some of us, being back at work becomes impossible and then the answer may be to take a break and to look at some other kind of work when we feel ready.

We need to recognise our limitations when we do return to work. We often suffer from fatigue, loss of concentration, a lack of self-confidence when making decisions. If we work in a position of responsibility, this can be particularly troubling. In some cultures and environments, showing emotion means 'weakness'. We may have increasing difficulty as the months pass: people may not realise that we are still grieving. Just one friend to talk to may make all the difference to the sense of unreality, of being one person to all outward appearances but a very different one inside.

Work relationships

Most of us find that relationships with our work colleagues change when we first return to work. We feel alienated and they feel awkward. The usual trivial conversations, which are part of most workplaces, irritate or distress us and we have trouble relating to what seems important to others. We may not wish to join them for social occasions outside of work; if we are asked and refuse too often, they may stop asking. It is not easy for anyone.

It is also difficult for us if people unthinkingly make insensitive remarks, perhaps unfortunate comparisons with the death of a pet. We feel enraged at this thoughtlessness but have no easy way to show how hurt we are without making everyone even more uncomfortable. This means that we can carry a burden of resentment against people for their insensitivity. Hopefully, we will find a way to deal with these problems even though our work colleagues may not understand about our grief.

Sadly, our weakened condition may make us a target for a workplace bully and we will then have to seek help, possibly from outside. For example, the Citizens' Advice Bureau or a Trades Union representative.

Fortunately, for some of us, the warmth of companionship and the encouragement to keep going that we have found in our place of work have been crucial in helping us back on our feet again.

Working alone

All these remarks apply to those who are employed by organisations large enough to supply back-up support and alternative part-time work. Many of us, of course, work as one-man-bands or run our own little companies, employing a few people.

Then our options are different. If we work for ourselves, our income ceases immediately; we have no sickness fund to help us. Our customers may be sympathetic, but they will take their business elsewhere if made to wait too long. Those of us with small businesses will have suppliers and employees to be paid. We know that years of hard work can be destroyed by a few weeks of neglect. We may not have the luxury of deciding when is the ‘best' time to return, moving to a less stressful department or part-time working.

Again, some of us fall somewhere in between; we may work for a medium-sized organisation, which can manage to do without us, but only for a limited period.

Difficult days

In the course of each year there will be hard days for us to get through, both on our own private calendar and at public festivals. The preparations for Christmas* can be agonising for us, with everyone in party mood and our own feelings bleak and hopeless. Again, we may have to explain that this is a very painful time of year for us and that we find it impossible to join in the usual festivities.

When we go on holiday, people often make unthinking remarks, as, for instance: “Have a good time!”, and, when we come back: “I bet that's done you a power of good!”. That seems to imply that to be away from home means that we will forget our child. In fact, the reverse is usually true: we have more time on our own when on holiday and our thoughts have nowhere else to go other than to our loss. When we return, we may be in a much more weakened emotional state than before, and need to start again with our return to work efforts. Birthdays and anniversaries have their own stresses. Sometimes a colleague can help by explaining this to others. TCF produces a leaflet which may help: Coping with special occasions.

The future

We may find, as the months and years pass, that those we work with expect us to be ‘over it', to have ‘returned to normal', and that we should no longer be showing signs of our grief and distress. However, grief is unpredictable and will surface at unexpected and inappropriate times. We have to develop our own ways of coping when this happens.

In the long term we may question the meaning and importance of our work in the face of our loss. The world seems a different place; our values and perspectives have changed. We may decide that our present line of work will not offer us the fulfilment that it did previously and that a change might help us. We may take extended leave to think about our future, or resign from that particular job and look for another one that we think will offer us more satisfaction. We may decide to stay in the same job, feeling that its familiarity gives us stability and comfort. It takes time and thought to decide how we see our future working life.

In all these situations we need to be gentle with ourselves, not demanding more than we can give at that time. Many of us find that returning to work, and the contact with other people in a normal everyday situation, do help – and continue to help – as we struggle to adjust to our new life.

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Where can I go from here?

The reading of this leaflet may be your first real contact with TCF. We hope it has given you a little comfort, perhaps showing you that your pain and worries are shared by others. TCF publishes over 30 leaflets, on different aspects of grief which follows the death of a child. All of them are available at no charge to bereaved parents and siblings (but a small donation is, of course, always welcome). If you would like to hear more about our work you could ring our Helpline on 0845 123 2304 and you will be able to talk to one of our volunteers, all of them bereaved parents. She or he could give you the number of a Local Contact, who could visit if you wished, and give you details of any Local Group which may meet regularly in your area. You could also find out from them details of our occasional Retreats, when a small number of bereaved parents meet and can talk and meditate in peaceful surroundings. Most years there is an Annual Gathering, to which all members are invited.

TCF runs a website on www.tcf.org.uk , which is increasingly popular. A quarterly journal, Compassion, is produced, containing articles and poems written by our members about their own experiences. Those who wish for further reading matter may borrow from our Postal Library, under1roof, Ground Floor, 5a New Road Avenue, Chatham, Kent ME4 6BG, tel: 01634 814146, email: tcf.postallibrary@btinternet.com.

General enquiries, and details of how to become a supporting member and take part in our activities, may be directed to the Office at 53 North Street, Bristol BS3 1EN; tel: 0845 120 3785; fax: 0845 120 3786; email: info@tcf.org.uk .