after the death of their child

This leaflet has been written to help employers understand how an employee may be affected when their child dies. For both the bereaved employee and his or her work colleagues, awareness of the effects of such a traumatic event will be helpful to everyone in the work place.

“A most traumatic bereavement”

Parents do not expect their child to die before them, and a parent losing an adult son or daughter will suffer many of the same symptoms of grief as those whose young child has died. At first the parents are in a state of shock, gradually overtaken by the pain of grief. In addition to sadness, reactions can include problems with concentration and memory, fatigue and loss of confidence. These reactions vary in intensity and not everyone will experience each of them. Grief comes in waves and is unpredictable; each person grieves at their own pace and grieving cannot be confined to non-working hours. In the workplace, grief can lead to short-term loss of efficiency, effectiveness and performance; there is also increased vulnerability to illness. But with time, and with sympathetic support, the employee will recover to take his or her place in the team again.

Returning to work

This is an ordeal for bereaved parents, and a perplexing time for employers and work colleagues. It is important to know the way in which the child has died; if the death was sudden and violent there will be media interest, an inquest and perhaps a trial. These often take place many weeks or months after the death, re-awakening the parent's intense grief.

Most people find it difficult to cope with open displays of emotion. This is especially relevant to fathers in a society which has traditionally expected men to endure their troubles in silence. However, both men and women need the opportunity to talk about their tragedy. Not all bereaved parents will respond to returning to work in the same way and the support of work colleagues is very important.

How can the employer help?

Ideally, the bereaved parent should return to work only when he or she feels able to cope; you may be able to discuss with them the possibility of working flexi- or part-time for a period.

Bereaved parents may be receiving counselling ; they may need time away from work for these appointments.

You could ask the bereaved parent how their grief is affecting them, what they would like their colleagues to be told in relation to the death, and how they feel they could best be supported at this time.

Colleagues may be concerned about what words to use or what subjects to avoid; you can help ease their disquiet if you have talked to the bereaved parent and are aware of his or her wishes.

Because of fatigue or lack of concentration an employee may not find it easy to weigh up complex matters or to react quickly, both mentally and physically, within their particular work situation. Your understanding of this will help them to regain their self-confidence.

If you need to send an official letter to the employee (about sick leave entitlement, for example), it would be appreciated if you attached a personal note.

Does the bereaved parent know of The Compassionate Friends? If not, it would be helpful if you pass on our leaflet No death so sad, which explains the support we offer. Other employees might find our leaflet Helping bereaved parents useful.

How can work colleagues help?

Work colleagues react to bereavement in different ways. Some feel awkward and avoid the bereaved person or make no reference to the death. The circumstances of some deaths are particularly difficult; for example, colleagues are often lost for words when confronted with a murder, suicide, drug- or alcohol-related death.

It makes it easier if colleagues can mention the death, however uncomfortable they may feel. Just a few words, such as “I was so sorry to hear about your daughter”, will be helpful. Not every parent will want to talk about their situation in depth, especially when first returning to work. Later, bereaved parents would appreciate some acknowledgement of the anniversary of the death as the year comes round.

Line managers may be able to consider various options for easing an employee back into work. It helps if colleagues can be sympathetic towards their needs for time off, for example to go to counselling.

Colleagues need to be aware that grief can be erratic and unpredictable, and that its effects last far longer than a few weeks.

Face to face with the public

There are added strains when bereaved parents work with people who are physically or mentally ill, or when they support people with emotional problems. This also applies to those advising directly on personal matters. A newly bereaved parent is emotionally vulnerable and the problems of others weigh heavily on them, accentuating their grief and perhaps making them less effective in their work for a while. Alternatively, the concerns articulated by patient or client can sometimes seem unimportant in relation to the bereaved parent's loss.

Finally

You too may be a bereaved parent. The responsibilities and obligations of being an employer can bring many extra stresses if you have yourself lost a child. However, work can sometimes provide relief and a temporary distance from the overwhelming grief at home. Just as you have shown concern for your bereaved employee, so it will also help you and your colleagues if you allow them to support you.

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