"Grief is the price we pay for love."

Colin Murray Parkes

In spite of that heavy price, there can be few people who would willingly do without love to avoid paying for the experience in grief when death intervenes. The intensity of the parent-child relationship means that both the love and the grief are profound.

Following the death of our child, we are in a state of shock that is gradually overtaken by the pain of grief. As well as deep sadness, we may feel anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, despair, weariness, a preoccupation with our dead child, thinking we are going mad, restless over-activity, apathy, exhaustion, disturbance of sleep and appetite patterns - all of these are normal. We may feel weak, helpless, confused, that we have lost control of life - again, these feelings are normal. Every bereaved parent feels some, or even all, of these things at different times; some may be more troubling than others.

Each individual grieves differently. There is no time-table for grief and, in the early stages, even survival seems impossible. Grief is not orderly or progressive; it pours in with great turmoil, and is not predictable in its timing or its intensity. It comes in waves and often feels utterly overwhelming for a time. Gradually, however, the time between the waves becomes longer, and very slowly some of the grief and pain begin to abate.

Facing the pain of grief takes courage. It means talking and talking about your child, about her or his life, and the circumstances of their death. For most people, it means talking about crushed dreams and shattered hopes - it also means sharing the good memories. It means expressing emotions and finding ways of coping with them when they threaten to become unmanageable. It means allowing ourselves, and others, to cry, and not bottling our feelings up. None of us expects that our son or daughter will die before us. The worst thing that any parent can imagine has happened, and grief is our right as well as our burden.

Almost every parent feels a sense of guilt when their child dies. We can feel guilty over things we have done, or have not done, said or not said to our child; we can blame ourselves over the cause of the death (for example, letting our child have a car, go swimming, etc.), or that we are still alive when our child is dead. If the death happened unexpectedly, we may scourge ourselves with the ‘if onlys’; if death came through a long illness we may torture ourselves that we should have found better care for our child, that their suffering might have been reduced or death averted.

If you think you did not do enough for your child, ask yourself if this is what you would think of someone else if their child had died? So often we demand more of ourselves than we expect of others! Almost every parent does the best they can in a situation where there are no rehearsals. Later we may think that we should have done something differently, but that is using the benefit of hindsight - which was not available to us at the time. Occasionally there may be a rational cause for guilt, and professional help may be needed to cope with this situation.

Anger and rage are also part of grief. We may feel angry over the circumstances of our child’s death, or with the people involved. We may feel angry with relatives, friends or work colleagues for the things they say, or for the things they don’t say. We may feel angry at the unfairness of life, or with God. Asking "Why did this happen?" is normal; the reversal of normal expectations is shattering. Unconsciously, we may be angry because of suppressed guilty feelings. We need to try and vent our anger in ways that are not destructive. Relationships, as well as objects, are vulnerable.

All of us will experience depression after the death of our child. Often it settles upon us when the first raging, searching, restless aspects of grief are beginning to pass, and are replaced by the yearning, the sadness, the realisation of what ‘never again’ means in our mourning. Some feel depression as a suffocating weight in the chest or as an impenetrable darkness, a grey fog, a loss of colour in everyday things. We may feel agitated or lethargic, or swing from one to the other; we may lose interest in normal tasks and find it almost impossible to complete them. We may weep constantly - or be quite unable to cry. We may seek refuge or oblivion in sleep - or lie awake, hour after hour. However, this strange period may give some much-needed time to recover strength and energy, and for many it will pass when it has served its usefulness. It is only if this continues for a very long time that professional help may be needed. If you feel (for this or any other reason) that you need professional help, it is advisable to see a recommended practitioner. Advice can be obtained from your GP, religious leader or the Social Services Department.

Coping with grief, or ‘actively mourning’, means discovering how to handle our constantly swinging feelings, finding ways to express them safely and channel them into activities which release the tension they create. Suppressing our feelings compounds our difficulties and prevents adjustment to our changed life without our child’s physical presence.

What can we do to help ourselves?

physical relaxation - aromatherapy, massage, reflexology and other complementary therapies

physical activity - walking, sports, gardening, cycling, yoga

writing - putting feelings into words, keeping a journal (no one else need see what you have written)

- corresponding with other bereaved parents

- writing about your child

creative activities - drawing, painting, sewing, cooking, crafts (see TCF's leaflet The Creative Use of Grief)

- making an album of photographs, certificates and other items about your child's life and achievements, great and small

reading - TCF's Postal Library has books, audio and video tapes

- also ask your local bookshop and public library

music - listening, playing, composing

Joining a class, finding a part-time or voluntary job, campaigning or fund-raising for TCF or another cause may be helpful.

These are only sample activities, there are many others too.

The stress of our child's death can leave us vulnerable to infection and illness. To counteract this we need to be aware of our diet and the need for rest.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, healing begins to take place. There are brief moments of enjoyment - and these are often followed by overwhelming guilt. But a slow progression through grief is natural and normal, and you need not feel guilty or disloyal to your child because this is happening.

Adjustment means the gradual integration of our child's death into our life. We will never be the same again, our values and perspectives will change, some friends will be lost to us and new ones will be made. But we will always love our son or daughter; we will remember him or her for ever with love and with joy. The memories and the photographs that so sear us in the early days gradually become a comfort and make us smile as well as weep.

Initially, family and friends will be able to offer encouragement and support to help bereaved parents through their natural, and sometimes overwhelming, grief. But as time passes, they may not be able to continue their support and it is here that The Compassionate Friends serves its unique purpose - in providing a safe place for parents to talk and talk and talk of their child (or children), of their life and their death. This repetition helps us to accept the reality of our child's death.

One of the most difficult things for us as parents is to see the effect of grief upon others in the family. It is not easy to support them while coping with our own grief. TCF has leafletsto help understand these situations: for example for grieving couples, brothers and sisters, and for grandparents.

Many parents will have a religious faith which will be of immeasurable support to them at this time; others will find they now question long-held beliefs. Some parents will discover a faith and others will work out their own understanding of the meaning of life and death.

Can it be possible to move forward after enduring the death of our beloved child?

Yes, it is possible, in time, to move forward following this traumatic experience, to weave that experience into our life, but it will take many, many months, even years, to achieve. Yes, it will be possible to use our child's possessions with warm and loving memories. Yes, we will eventually resume social activities, go on holiday again. But we have changed, our lives have changed, and we will find that we now have a different perspective on what we feel is important to us and to our families.

The Compassionate Friends

Contact with other bereaved parents through The Compassionate Friends (TCF) will reassure us that the turmoil of our feelings, and our varying behaviour patterns, are normal. This contact might be through TCF group meetings, by one-to-one visits, by letter or telephone, through the quarterly Newsletter, the TCF Postal Library, articles and leaflets. There are support groups for parents whose only child (or all children) have died, for those whose child has died through suicide or through murder. There are contacts for grandparents and for brothers and sisters; there is also the SIBBS (Support In Bereavement for Brothers and Sisters) newsletter.

The support, comfort and understanding gained through talking to someone else who has experienced the devastating death of their child is profound, and the help each receives from the other plays a very important part in moving forward through grief, carrying our children with us in our hearts and minds.

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