One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Sadly, not every relationship survives such a significant bereavement. The trauma and circumstances of the death of a child may exacerbate existing tensions and stresses. When things are difficult, it’s worth remembering that our partner is our closest ally in surviving the death of our child. If we are able to find ways of coping with our grief and with each other, we may be able to work through this horrendous loss together. Our child’s mother While both mothers and fathers grieve for a child, it is worth bearing in mind that a biological mother has had a physical bond with her child through pregnancy and childbirth that we do not share in the same direct way. A mother’s grief can be visceral. Hormones can also play a role. If we are living with our child’s mother, it may sometimes feel that support from others is directed more towards her than to us as the father. The more open we are with our feelings, the more people will realise that we too are grieving. The following are all common behaviours following such an intense bereavement. None are right or wrong. Maybe this… …or that Remaining silent Talking a lot about feelings Wanting to have lots of visual reminders of our child and to keep talking about them Finding it painful to look at our child’s photos or belongings, or even to speak or hear their name Focusing intently on grief, with little energy for other activities Staying busy to occupy our time and distract ourselves from grief Wanting to be at home Wanting to be out and about Wanting to be alone Seeking out the company of others Expressing grief through emotion and tears Feeling flat and without emotion Avoiding physical intimacy Desiring physical intimacy Delaying returning to work Going back to work to avoid thinking about our loss Returning to normal activities quite soon Unable to pick up the threads of daily life for many months
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