One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Caring for our child As mothers, our care for our young child was practical as well as emotional. We have fed them, bathed them, changed and dressed them, cuddled them and carried them in our arms. Even if this was decades ago, it is still part of our shared life story. When our child dies, for many of us, our instinct is to want to go on caring for them as much as possible. Some mothers wish to hold their deceased child, wash and dress them, and perhaps place them in the coffin themselves, as a final act of tender physical care. Other mothers will not choose to do this, finding it too excruciatingly painful. Some mothers find the giving up of their child’s body an agonising experience, and the hurt remains for a long time. Although we may not see it at the time, the necessary procedures that follow on the death of our child in preparing for the funeral could be looked upon as our continuation of caring. Sadly, some parents have no body to see, touch or bury, and the conventional rituals of mourning are missed. Also, if our child had a partner, then they will have been their next of kin and we might not have been actively involved in their care or the funeral arrangements. This might be difficult to come to terms with. No matter what their age was, in some respects they are always going to be our “baby”. The process of giving birth created a unique bond. Coping with our grief “In the first few years after my son died, I found social events with women of my age difficult. They naturally talked about their children constantly. I was so envious that they still had all of their children.” Being bereaved of a child is one of the hardest griefs to cope with. Finding our way through is going to take time and patience with ourselves. We will probably experience grief as rather like a rollercoaster. There are times when we might feel a few moments of calm, and other times when the pain and heartbreak of our loss are a real torment. Gradually, though, most of us discover that the intensity of grief lessens as we adjust to this hard, unwelcome reality.
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