One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends They may try to distract themselves from their pain, while we have a great need to communicate about it. We may find ourselves drawn to a support group or friends in whom we can confide, while they seem to be keeping busy with other things. We are both suffering intensely from our grief, but expressing and coping with it differently. As mothers, we may have been used to being the person who makes things better and sorts things out. Now we may find that the intensity of our partner’s grief is unbearable, and we cannot hold their pain as well as our own. Because of these differences and possibly other factors, it is not unusual to have some difficulties in a relationship with our “significant other” following our bereavement. As much as we wish to share our loss and support each other, it is not always so simple. Our love, patience and understanding for each other is what will see us through. Some of us find that at times our partner may need space, spending time alone, pursuing leisure activities, or meeting friends. The same applies to ourselves. Some parents may temporarily spend more time at work, hoping to escape the grief at home. Recognising that we are each grieving in our own way and respecting each other’s needs seems to be the best approach for getting through this. We may find in time that our relationship has been strengthened and deepened, although for some of us, the relationship sadly does not survive. Coping alone Some of us are lone parents. Not only do we have to fill the role of both parents to any surviving children, but we also have no partner to be with us in our lowest moments. We may find that this death reminds us of earlier losses, perhaps even the loss of our child’s other parent, and we may feel doubly bereaved. In this situation, we urgently need the support of other adults, whether relatives, friends or professionals. If we are now childless, the isolation is almost unbearable, and we may question our continuing identity as a mother. TCF’s leaflet The bereaved lone parent has more on this topic.
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