Bereaved Through Drug or Alcohol Use web version

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our feelings Grief brings a complex mixture of responses including sadness, anger, confusion, despair, exhaustion, and much more. We will need to take care of ourselves in order to cope. Many of us look for explanations – a broken relationship, inadequate addiction treatment, the influence of friends or acquaintances. We may imagine what we could have said or done that might have saved our child. Long-term use of drugs or alcohol could have ruined our child’s health, and we wonder if we could have done more to prevent this. Close family and friends will sometimes feel that we are being too harsh on ourselves. On the other hand, we may feel that they are blaming us. Death through a fatal overdose may have been a horrible accident or it could have been intentional. Whether their death was an accident or not, we may still feel guilty. If our child had spent years struggling and suffering through alcohol or drug addiction, at moments we may feel relieved that the long nightmare is over. Such fleeting thoughts might confuse us. However, it is not unusual for the bereaved to feel relief that they no longer have to cope with the almost constant chaos caused by addiction, or to feel glad that someone they love is no longer suffering. At times we may feel angry with our child for dying. How could they have been so reckless, so unwise? How could they have allowed this to happen to themselves and to us? What are we to do now? Questions run endlessly through our minds, but answers rarely come. As if we needed any extra pain, our suffering can be increased by the judgement or criticism of thoughtless people. There is often a social stigma surrounding those who struggle with substance use. If this happens, we should remind ourselves of the wonderful and unique person our child was in life. Their death will never change this fact. People, particularly younger people, are often drawn to thrills and danger. Mountain climbing, skydiving, motor-biking, white water rafting and drug-taking – all of these are available to our children, all carry risk, and each of these claim the lives of people in their prime. We can draw a tiny crumb of comfort from knowing that risk-taking is a normal human activity, and that in many cases no-one, including ourselves and our child, should be blamed when tragedy strikes.