Bereaved Through Drug or Alcohol Use web version

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends months or even years. It is important to try to see each other’s point of view and respect differences in the way we grieve. We each have to find our own way through grief, and hopefully we can allow other members of the family to do the same. For a single parent, coping on our own, this is a particularly lonely time. There are added difficulties, also, for parents who are left childless. If we have other children, how we explain to them what has happened will depend on their age and maturity. While we may not wish to burden them with too many distressing details, it is essential that they hear the truth from us, rather than finding out in the school playground, in the newspaper, on television or on social media. We need to avoid saying something that they will later discover was a lie or pretence. We will want to ensure that others close to them give a similar explanation. This might mean that we, or someone we trust, talk to their teachers, families of their friends, and any leaders of leisure activities that they attend. As the children grow older, their understanding of death will mature and we will be able to explain more. Older children may find it very difficult to share their thoughts and emotions with us or with other brothers and sisters. They may feel angry with their dead sibling for causing all this sadness and disruption for the family. They may blame us, or themselves, for not being able to prevent the death. In addition, we parents can have a dread that this could happen again and might anxiously watch over our surviving children. Adult children sometimes feel that they cannot or should not feel as much grief as their parents. Their reaction may be to avoid mentioning their sibling for fear of upsetting us. This can be hurtful, but we have to realise that they are trying to protect us. It can be helpful if they are able to meet siblings from other families who have suffered a similar tragedy. Overall, it is easier said than done, but it can be so helpful for us as a family to try to be open about each other’s needs. For example, there might be days where one of our surviving children wants time on their own, while another seeks company. We are likely to have different needs at different times, and trying to understand and respect this in each other can be a huge step forward and also help us avoid misunderstandings and wrong assumptions.