One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends • They may behave in ways that seem unhealthy or even unacceptable to us • We may be concerned for their well-being if they appear overwhelmed by their grief • Alternatively, we may worry that they are holding everything inside with a “stiff upper lip” • We may not be comfortable with how they are turning towards or away from religion for comfort. This also happens the other way around. Family members may have certain expectations of the way they think we should be grieving. If it is very different to how they are expressing their grief, they may become upset and misunderstand us. They may criticise us for expressing our emotions outwardly, or conversely, for not expressing our feelings or talking about our sibling “enough”. Our relationship with our parents The tragedy of the death of our sibling – their child – may draw us closer to our parents. We may find great comfort in each other’s company, but this is not always the case. Sometimes tensions or difficulties arise. Being bereaved of their child is one of the most painful experiences a parent can endure. Our parents, overwhelmed by their grief, may be unable to offer us the support we need. This can feel like a double loss. Not only has our sibling died, but we have also lost the version of our parents that we once knew. In this situation, there is often no choice but to give our parents the space they need. If necessary, we will need look for support for ourselves elsewhere. Other family members, friends, online groups, or a bereavement counsellor may be a help. Our GP, or the websites of charities like The Compassionate Friends or Cruse Bereavement Support, are good starting points for help and advice. Some parents become over-cautious or protective of their other children, fearful of some other tragedy occurring. This can feel irritating or stifling. Agreeing a plan which will reassure them without putting too much pressure on us may help. For instance, a text when we get home after a night out or a trip away, or letting them know when we will not be contactable, could help set their minds at ease. “Occasionally I don’t tell my parents about my plans until afterwards, because I just need a bit of a break from remembering to send regular updates. What is frustrating is that they travel frequently, but don’t always send a text to let me know they’ve arrived safely.”
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