One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends When a dreadful thing happens – such as the death of our sibling – we struggle to make sense of it. This can lead us to blaming ourselves, or we could possibly find ourselves wondering if one or both of our parents were partly responsible for what happened. This train of thought can be very troubling, and can make us more isolated and withdrawn. It can help to talk this over with someone we trust; they will probably be grateful for a chance to help us. Managing our differences Whilst each family member is navigating their way through this huge loss, it usually works out best if we can keep the lines of communication open, but this will not always be possible. Everyone will be in pain and unfortunately this sometimes shows itself as impatience or anger. Tragedies within families can bring people closer together, but if our family relationships were already strained, grief might cause us to drift further apart. We might find that some family members, including other siblings, are unable or unwilling to engage with us at this time. It is worth bearing in mind that some people want and need to be alone when they are in great pain, as a way to “nurse” their emotional wounds. They are looking after themselves rather than rejecting others, but their separation can still be an additional hurt. This may also apply to ourselves. Everyone makes their own choices, and there is a balance to be found between supporting each other and our own self-preservation. Celebrating memories and managing special occasions “I had a small photo of my brother in my pocket at my graduation. He had encouraged me to go to university before he died, and I knew he would have proudly attended my graduation. It made me feel like he was with me on the day.” As time passes, we will face a variety of significant dates and special occasions, such as the first anniversary of our sibling’s death, the first Christmas spent without them, our own birthday, or perhaps a family wedding. What would have been happy events may now feel bittersweet, or even like hurdles to be overcome. There is no right or wrong way to mark these occasions. As time goes on, we might find ways to recognise and include our sibling in family events – for example, by
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