Grieving Child Loss in Blended and Step Families

UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | www.tcf.org.uk If our teenage or adult child’s life choices led to their early death, such as through substance misuse or suicide, or dangerous activities such as extreme sports, the shock of their passing may be particularly acute. We may struggle to make sense of what has happened and to cope with the anguish we feel. It is possible that our partner may silently blame our child for the hurt that they perceive has been unfairly inflicted upon us. As they watch us disintegrate in sorrow and then labour to get back up on our feet, they may feel angry with our child. If this is expressed, we may instinctively defend our child, whilst also feeling conflicted in our own emotions towards them. Attending a relevant support group together may help us understand these differing feelings. Our partner is part of our life. We are together because we love each other, and the hurt we feel at the loss of our child hurts them, no matter what their relationship was with our child. Their hurt is not quite the same as ours, but it is hurt, nevertheless. Comprehending this will go a long ways towards preventing our different responses to our child’s death creating a barrier between us. Our child’s other biological parent The death of our child may bring their other parent back into our lives to a greater extent than in the recent past. They are likely to be involved in the funeral. We may find ourselves seeing them more than we have recently, as sharing our mutual memories can bring us comfort. This can be hard on our current partner who can feel left out. Hopefully with open communication, they will be comfortable with this situation. On the other hand, our child’s passing may worsen our relationship with their other parent. Unresolved issues from our past lives together can become amplified. There can be elements of blame, as our child passed away whilst under the care of one parent, but not the other. This can cause great anguish. Our child may have grown closer to their step-parent than their natural parent. Whether this was the case or not, their other biological parent may choose to keep a distance for their own reasons, perhaps not wishing even to be involved in funeral arrangements or anything else. This can cause us to feel they are abandoning our child and to become angry on their behalf. If this is sadly the case, let us take comfort in knowing that our child still has two parents who have chosen to love them: ourselves and our partner. In all of these scenarios, it is vital that we keep our current partner informed, so that they can support us through this difficult time.