Grieving Child Loss in Blended and Step Families

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our relationship with our step-children Whether our child passed away as an infant, child or adult, it is natural to look around and compare other’s lives to the life that could have been theirs, or more likely we will feel should have been theirs. In blended families there may be children of previous relationships all living in the same house as one family. This could involve our own other children as well as those of our partner. It is very easy to feel a sense of resentment and perhaps even envy, as we see our partner enjoying the company of their natural children while our ‘half’ of the family struggles to come to terms with the loss of our child. If we have lost our only – or all – of our natural children, this can actually become more difficult as time goes by. In the initial period after our child’s death, the loss of our child was probably the focus of the entire household. Funeral arrangements and the initial period of grieving encompassed everyone under our roof. However, as months pass, the focus naturally shifts to the living. As the years go by, our step-children grow and experience life in all of its ups and downs. Whilst we celebrate their birthdays, special occasions and achievements, we may be sometimes overwhelmed with sadness that our own child is not here to experience the same. Watching our step-children can reinforce how much we miss our own child whom we have lost. We are likely to imagine what they would have been doing at this stage of life, how they would have performed in their exams, what it would have been like to see them off to university or watch them get married, and maybe even have children of their own. We may want to find ways to include our missing child in the family, so that we can at least draw comfort in memories. Some may hold a small celebration for their child’s birthday, or perhaps encourage everyone in the family to make a charitable donation in their name on their anniversary. We may also feel conflicted regarding our child’s possessions. Do we allow our step-children to play with their toys, take over their old room, wear their clothes? What will we do about what should have been our child’s inheritance? Do we give it instead to our step-children? These are all very personal matters and we must find our own solutions. It is advisable to make no hurried decisions. How we feel in the immediate aftermath of our child’s passing may change in the years to come.