Childless Parents Newsletter, Autumn 2020

Newsletter for Childless Parents | www.tcf.org.uk 4 whole again. Nothing anyone can say or do can change that. A big part of me died the day Becca did, and I now have this gaping hole inside my heart, inside my mind, that is the exact shape of her and can never, and should never, be filled. A few weeks ago, I found a picture of a broken piece of Japanese pottery that had been “mended” through a process called Kintsugi (golden joinery) or Kinsukuroi (golden repair). It is a way of mending broken pottery by using lacquer mixed with powdered gold or silver to join the broken pieces. It is then seen as beautiful because of its history rather than something to disguise. This was something that made sense to me. I know we cannot be fixed, but maybe we can piece something together that could be beautiful. The pieces of us becoming a mosaic or those “hairline fractures” Alicia Cook speaks of could be filled with silver lacquer (I have never been a gold girl). What do you think? At the end of 2018 I was happy, probably the happiest I had ever been. I had a lovely daughter, Becca, when I was just 18 and had a wonderful husband, Gary. Life had been good, but I had health issues for most of my life, and had been overweight, obese really, for most of it, but had spent about two years finally on track and losing it. My health had improved no end and I was feeling empowered. I was going to the gym; I had dropped 5 dress sizes and I was feeling truly content. My husband and I had started saving and taking little mini breaks and I had been to Lithuania for a fab long weekend with my sister, I had visited Becca in Wales and had the best time staying with her and her girlfriend and seeing Snowdon where she was working and seeing the house on which they were about to “complete”. Becca had been back to Kent at Christmas time to celebrated her 22nd birthday and we had a wonderful time with her, and with our family and friends. We really all were living, as Bec would say, “our best lives” and then… A knock at the door, police officers, our lives destroyed. Becca was killed in a road traffic collision in January 2019, she was too young. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, others it feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday. Is that normal? Some days I am overwhelmed and “later” seems like the best time to do everything I should be doing as I just don’t have the energy or mental capacity to do them now. Some days I am so tired and drained that I just say no to everything. Now, this can be empowering, to find the ability to do say NO when you need to, but it has also left me feeling guilty for using Becca’s death as an “excuse” to be lazy, or unsociable at times. When I get like that, I will often find myself spiralling but then I came up with two phrases that have helped me, and maybe they will help some of you… The first is “and that’s okay” and the second is “perfectly imperfect”. Those few short words have helped me a lot. Instead of “I can’t face seeing my friend today, and I feel bad about that” I now say “I can’t face seeing my friend today, and that’s okay.” I