Childless Parents Newsletter, Autumn 2021

Newsletter for Childless Parents | www.tcf.org.uk 6 Sadness: Profound sadness is a universal experience, and can often lead to a feeling of aloneness or isolation. We sometimes believe that no one can understand the depth of our grief, which drives us deeper into sorrow. Guilt: You may feel guilt over things you said or did — or those you didn’t and felt you should have. In cases of suicide, many people question whether they could have changed the outcome somehow. Yet there is nothing that can stand in the way of death or a final decision made by someone else, and over time we have to acknowledge and accept that. Still, it’s difficult to do in the early days or months of grieving. Anger: Regardless of how someone we loved died, anger often comes into play. You may be angry with the person for not being here anymore, or with caregivers for not doing more. You may blame God or others. Or you may not be able to direct your anger against a specific source, but find that everyday, small injustices seem much bigger than they might have in the past. This is normal, and no one should tell you that you have to stop or let go of your anger — that will happen eventually as part of your process, on your own time line. Fear: A loss can trigger fear on many levels — fear of your own mortality, of losing those you love, of facing life without the person who has died. It can include fear of the future and the uncertainty you may now feel about your life’s plans, knowing that someone close to you has died. Physical pain: We often think of grief as emotional, but it can manifest physically as well. Symptoms can include nausea, fatigue, lowered immunity, weight loss or gain, insomnia, aches and pains and more. Although it can be quite difficult, it’s important to do what you can to maintain your health during grief. Ongoing triggers for grief During bereavement and after, many things can trigger a return to intense grief — expected things like a birthday, a holiday or the anniversary of the death. Or more subtle experiences like catching a scent of perfume or cologne that reminds you of your loved one, or the smell of their favourite food cooking. These are “grief triggers” and they can be long-term challenges. A common trigger may also be “secondhand” grief. Someone you hardly knew dies, yet their death may trigger your grief again. All of this is normal, expected, and something you should allow yourself to feel; do not judge yourself for reacting or not reacting to any of these triggers. Developmental issues can also trigger grief, especially for children — when a girl has to start high school without her mum; when a boy turns 16 and doesn’t have his dad to teach him how to drive. Even smaller events, like a young girl missing her big sister’s support as she’s about to become a Girl Scout, can trigger a feeling of loss. It’s important to know that grief triggers exist and may affect you. They are normal, but if you’re aware of them you may be able to take steps to keep them to a minimum. Perhaps if you’re planning to share a holiday or other important event with relatives, talk to them ahead of time about expectations. Suggest and agree on strategies that will honour the person you loved while allowing you to compassionately support each other.