Newsletter for Childless Parents, Summer 2020

Newsletter for Childless Parents | www.tcf.org.uk 12 situation. Am I being too harsh? Maybe, but let’s be honest, isn’t that what many of us are thinking? The grief parallels Isolation, introspection, preservation, survival. An alien situation. These are not new concepts for us. Spending time talking to people who are not physically in the same room as we are? Ok, there’s a difference between Skype and having conversations in your head with your child who isn’t physically here, I get that; but as you know, I chat to James often so I’m used to this unusual state of affairs in a way. The world has shrunk It actually did for us, didn’t it? But now it has for everyone. The things we wanted, needed or desired before, just aren’t that important anymore. We have gone back to raw basics and core values I think. Smaller groups of friends. New ones even. An adjustment to the situation making your next door neighbour more than the person who lives in the house next to yours but has become a friend; the person who just called you because she is out of sugar and can’t get to the shops; the person you make a point of meeting every morning at the garden fence for a catch up. Different to before. For me, this is similar to my grief experience. Whether you are sharing your home, or your neighbourhood, or your grief, or your time; we are forming communities. It’s almost tribal and it is smaller than it was. Just like The Compassionate Friends did for me, new people took their place in my “team” and strangers became friends because “we are all in this together”. Loss of physical connection This is a big thing for people and for me, I suppose, if I let it, it would be one of those things that trigger my grief wave the most. The constant talk of missing hugs and kisses. It’s hard on the poor muggles... as I call the non-bereaved.... isn’t it? Well, welcome to our world guys. I’ve not hugged my James for 6 years so welcome to the club. Am I being harsh again? Missing our old habits Well, we can all write a book about that one can’t we? While everyone else is missing the pub and their holiday on the beach, we have much more to speak about. The mask Hey world, I have a whole box of them here if you want them. The happy face, the interested face, you name it, I have it. They’re not the kind of mask that you are all talking about guys but, you want to talk about masks, it’s all right here. I’ve been wearing one for 6 years now. It doesn’t provide the protection you all think it does. So how do we cope with all of this? The triggers, the throwback, the time to dwell on our loss; the list is endless and I could talk about this for the rest of lockdown. Don’t worry, I won’t. But here are my top tips with the obvious disclaimer. This is what works for me. I’m not an expert on grief. I’m an expert on my grief and here are some ideas. Humour Those of you who know me, will know that I like to laugh. James and I laughed through life and though there was a while when I never thought that Iwould laughagain, I have learned to and I enjoy it. Try it. Shrug your shoulders at some irritations maybe? Emotions are bound to be high at the moment so forgive. Yourself and others. So what if a well meaning friend makes a comment that might be considered thoughtless? Is it something that you can let