Newsletter for Childless Parents, Summer 2020

Newsletter for Childless Parents | www.tcf.org.uk 15 Isolation does not mean alone The two are not the same. Being isolated physically does not mean that you are alone. In this community, you are never alone. One of the things I first noticed about bereaved friends is how quickly we gel. We have a bond that transcends all others and I ampassionate about it. No-one is alone in our community. Conversely, you can be isolated in a crowded room. Look out for your wellbeing. We are not expected to be super heroes. We do not have to be “strong” “fighters” “courageous” or any other thing that we are not. Give support to others. That’s the easy bit. But ask for support too. Why is that harder? Say that you need help and give someone else the chance to be your hero. It’s fine. We all take it in turns to support and be supported. Like the chain of elephants that I am often heard talking about. Trunk to tail we are stronger than the individual. Maybe you can see yourself as a part of that chain. There are lots of other things that we can tap into. Read, watch TV, phone a friend for a long chat over coffee, write letters...remember them? Anything that gives you sense of peace and some tranquility and that will help you get from one hour into the next. One breath at a time. There you go, another phrase that you have heard before. What next? So what will life look like when we step outside? Can anything be normal again? Well, I guess we will have to approach it like we did before. Small steps. Gradually. No, it won’t be “normal”, it will be different. We will acclimatise to the changes though. We know that we can because we already have. So do I have the tools to cope with this situation because James died, or in spite of it? I don’t know the answer to that. I just know that personally, my lockdown experience hasn’t been that bad. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the tools that I have in my armoury and I think that we, bereaved parents, can teach the world a great deal from what we have learned. I suspect that this time, I won’t be cajoled out of my cave too easily and I might just want to stay here. Actually, James and I could be quite hermetic when we chose to be. For all his cool and expansive social life, James liked nothing more than to make excuses to duck out of a planned night with his friends and stay at home instead, with his mama, eating pizza and binge watching a series on the tv. Oh yes. We were ahead of the times my boy and I. Maybe I now consider myself more an ‘extrovert hermit’. Why not? After all, this grief life is a host of contradictions and there’s another one for you. Loud, sociable, enjoying people’s company immensely but perfectly happy in my own world where I continue to have conversations with my son out loud without people wondering what on Earth is going in in my head. I’ve used this time to imagine James’ response to this crisis and what he would be doing. I’ve got time to spend with him and get to know my 27 year old hero now. New relationships and strengthened old ones. I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought. Please, this is not an instruction manual. These are just ideas, and as I hope I’ve indicated, not all of them work for me either. There’s lots more to discuss and lots of ways to do things. So keep talking, keep listening, be kind and as we now say, stay safe. Maria Ahern.