Childless Parents Newsletter, Winter 2020

Newsletter for Childless Parents | www.tcf.org.uk 11 When my children were young, they had a book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was one of their favourites. I think we can all relate. One of those days occurred recently so I wrote down my own version of Alexander’s terrible day. Well it’s already time to grow that thick skin! Or, alternatively, surround myself with a cloaking device or some such thing to get through this season of the secular Christmas. Of course, some think it may be cancelled due to COVID. I would have cancelled mine years ago if I relied on everything being perfect to attend. I started the day feeling tired due to those terrible dreams I have sometimes where I cannot find my James. I had to pry my fists open because they seemed to be glued tight as I slept right through the alarm. I have a mega-blaster of an alarm due to being so deaf. I hope my poor neighbour upstairs doesn’t get woken up. Possibly not since most of my neighbours are elderly and deaf! Got through work and decided to go to Marks & Spencer to pick up a few bits of food for the weekend. I do not know why I always get behind the lady who wants to tell me all about her grandchildren pointing out each of the goodies she is about to buy for their ‘special cupboard’ when they visit. Masks are quite handy for me because my real expression is hidden! It is not her fault or anyone else’s so I just nod and exchange pleasantries which ain’t easy when you are not feeling pleasant. What I want to do is shout out that my children are dead, and all that may have happened in their lives died with them. You can’t though, can you? You must go on and act as normal as possible, so it doesn’t bother anyone else’s normal. I walk home, put everything away and get my dinner ready. I am sitting here tucking in when it happens! A Christmas advertisement on the telly! It was bound to happen. It is October after all! And then, I start thinking about how people seem to believe that they are privy to divine intervention amid any trauma in their lives. Even that nightmare in the White House thinks his recovery is a blessing from God! What about all the poor souls who died hooked up to a ventilator slowly suffocating to death. Blessings all out on their day of need? Not that I want bad things to happen to ANYONE! I absolutely do not! I sit and wonder why that divine intervention was missing in action for my precious children. Do people really think they are chosen over others? Really? It is a genuine question from a broken-hearted mother. No one is exempt from suffering. No one. Not me, you, or the President. The question should not be “why me?” Rather “why not me?” I am settled now in my pyjamas with a nice glass of red. By the way, why does one always spill food on nice clean jammies? Asking for a friend! I’ve had a chat to Rachel and James about it all. I can see it in their eyes. They understand. Keep going Momma! Tomorrow is another day! Elly Sutherland - Rachel & James Mother Tomorrow is another day