Compassion, Autumn 2021

Autumn 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 14 How I got to EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) I first heard about EMDR when reading the incredible book, My Sister Milly, by Gemma Dowler. Gemma described how she and her mum had benefitted hugely from EMDR in the wake of Milly’s abduction and death when other therapies had failed. It was a few years later that I was to embark on my own EMDR journey following the death of my 17-year-old son, Samuel, from suicide. Samuel suffered with mental health issues during his teenage years which often saw him go into crisis. There were frequent volatile incidents, including A&E visits which were harrowing for all concerned. These memories became etched in my mind, but the relentless nature of Samuel’s condition meant there was no time to process the trauma. I sought counselling following Samuel’s death and found myself able to recall freely the various incidents, but discussing them had no impact, they just hung there, haunting and teasing me. I felt like I was the ultimate storyteller with my grim tales of horror. I also began to imagine Samuel’s death and a video would play in my mind. It was the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I awoke to in the morning. I knew I needed to address this and my lack of sleep was impacting my life incredibly. I discovered EMDR was available through my local mental health trust and, after an assessment process that confirmed my PTSD symptoms, I had a 3-month wait before starting treatment. My experience of EMDR The first two sessions were history taking, rapport building and developing a safe space should the traumatic images prove highly disturbing. The sessions were over Zoom so I just needed a quiet corner at home each week. During the next four sessions I focussed on separate traumatic incidents – a distressing A&E episode, the last time I saw Samuel alive, how the news of his death was broken to me by the police and, finally, my vision of his death. I was taught the tapping technique, preferring to use my thighs rather than arms crossed, but in reality we barely used this. Mainly, I followed the therapist’s finger with my eyes as she moved it side to side. It’s a bit like watching a game of tennis from the side-lines. I have described to others how the recalled memories start like a dramatic Line of Duty scene, with the volume turned up loud. Slowly they start to slow down, become still frames, the volume reduces and backgrounds blur as the memories are processed. The patience of the therapist and my trust in the approach allowed me to process each memory. There was a gradual reframing which I can only describe as extraordinary. Memories that triggered nausea, anxiety and fear were dialled down. I can now recall them as a calm visual which brings no adverse physical sensations.