Compassion Autumn 2022

Autumn 2022 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 9 children, not AWAY from their children. The parent/child bond is quite simply unbreakable. Other experts, working with other groups such as siblings, widows and widowers and bereaved children, noticed the same thing and the Theory of Continuing Bonds became widely accepted. Sadly widely accepted is not the same as universally accepted and there are still psychiatrists and grief counsellors who are telling bereaved people that they need to be getting a grip and moving on, as are many of our families and friends. I know how hard that can make life, especially when you’re newly bereaved, and that’s why I’m writing about this here. When we bake our children a birthday cake, write their names on our Christmas cards, bring them back a present from holiday, display their photos, buy them flowers, light a candle for them and, most importantly, say their names, we are exhibiting normal healthy human behaviour and are not ‘obsessed’ or ‘stuck’ or any of the other labels people might try to attach to us. What we’re doing, and this is based on very solid research, is nurturing our continuing bond with our child; we have no need to feel guilty or strange for doing that, no matter how many years have passed. Interestingly Dennis Klass noticed that, as the members of the St Louis chapter got to know each other three things happened. Firstly their own bond with their child was nurtured and they found huge comfort from telling each other their stories and showing their child’s photo. Secondly they formed strong, supportive bonds with each other. I know how true that is because the friendships I’ve made through TCF continue to strengthen, support and sustain me even when some of those friendships were first formed nearly two decades ago. Dennis Klass’s third discovery is maybe a little more surprising although, from my own experience, I know that’s true too; the parents formed bonds with each other’s children so the children were as much a part of the group as their parents. That’s really special isn’t it! I’d just like to finish with a lovely poem by Henri Nouwen called ‘Friends’ “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion Who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement Who can tolerate not knowing---not healing, not curing ---that is a friend who cares.“ With love from Mary