Compassion Autumn Winter 2023

16 tcf.org.uk Christmas Thoughts by Maria Ahern, James’ mum While the rest of the world appears to be getting ready for ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ we are bracing ourselves for the grief triggers to hit us and developing our coping strategies. What is it for you? I've ordered more wool than is seemly and will be knee deep in crochet projects for the duration. The most common advice we hear is ‘Be kind to yourself. Do what feels right for you’. This, on the face of it, sounds like good advice, but how do you balance the conflicting needs and expectations of your family and friends with your own at such a complicated time of year? Or do you just escape? Is there any escape? Of course, there is no escape is there. All we can do is navigate it as best we can. Do you accept that kindly meant invitation? Do you make a polite excuse and decline? Do you satisfy the needs of those around you at the cost of your own? Do you stick to old traditions or do you do it completely differently? Cards or no cards? How do you sign them. Do you include your child's name or not? The perplexities are endless and sorry, but this next paragraph doesn't contain the answers to those questions. We all do it differently and we may change our minds from year to year. One year, you may feel more robust and find that you can cook a big meal and have a family day of sorts. Another year you may not be able to face it and retreat to your own space for a while. It is, quite literally, a movable feast. The important thing to remember is that it doesn't matter. There are no rules. In the bigger picture, the only thing that matters, surely, is that we find a coping strategy that gets each of us through this time and out the other side. Most of us have done it before and will do it again. But what advice would I give those for whom this is the first time? I remember my first Christmas. The pain was tangible and I found that I could barely breathe. I hadn't yet found The Compassionate Friends and looking back on it, (what I can remember for it is a bit of a blur really) I was quite literally lost. I remember thinking that I should try. That people would expect things from me. So I did. I went to a shopping centre and broke down sobbing in a department store. I might not remember much about that first Christmas, but I certainly remember the assistant trying to help me in that shop and how painful the whole experience was for me and must have been for her too. Why did I put myself through it? To comply. That can be the only explanation for what I was doing. Placing myself in a busy shopping centre buying gifts for people when all I wanted to do was scream. Why? Who needed a gift that badly for pity's sake? But, I wanted to be what everyone expected me to be and I was hurting myself in the process. I still can't explain why I thought I could achieve such a mammoth task. I guess it was because I didn't give myself the freedom to ‘do what's right for me'. I didn't give myself permission to ‘do it differently’ and I certainly wasn't ‘being gentle on myself’ because no-one had told me I could or should. I resolved then that things needed to be put into perspective. That I needed to find a way to balance the needs of others against my needs and to be proportionate. That's one piece of advice. The other is the one I live by the most. Don't be quick to take offence. Remember, the non- COMPASSION | FEATURE - CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS