Compassion Autumn Winter 2023

17 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE - HINTS FOR CHRISTMAS bereaved speak a different language to us and a lot of what they say can get lost in translation. They also don't have the same knowledge as we do so they don't really know what to do for the best. So, for what it's worth, my advice is to take deep breaths and shrug your shoulders. I'll give you an example. We used to get hundreds of Christmas cards before. Then, the year that James died we got 6; one of those said, ‘chin up’ and another said, ‘we hope that you are feeling better now’. As if we were recovering from a cold! It really isn't worth getting upset about these things. People need educating, yes of course. That is why the work we do here at The Compassionate Friends is so important. We can inform people but of course what they do with that information is really a matter for them. As for us, the bereaved? Well we have enough to cope with without worrying about some Victorian traditions and how people apply them to us in our fractured world. Breathe, and shrug your shoulders. Above all, hold on. We are all in this together and we will get through it together. The Facebook groups and Forum are good places for support and the Helpline stays open even on Christmas Day thanks to the dedication and commitment of our army of volunteers. If you need us, we are here for you. Lastly, and most importantly, find some space for you. Allow yourself to lean into the grief, the missing and the longing for your child. Honour them and keep them close. We don't need to pretend. Who are we pretending for? The memories of Christmas past may sustain you in Christmas present. Let them come crashing in and allow yourself a smile remembering those happy times. We need them. One moment, one breath, one memory at a time… Maria (James's mum) From Upright With Knickers On by Gina Claye and Members of The Compassionate Friends It can help to know how others cope with the Christmas season… • Take care of yourself physically. Eat right. Exercise (or at least watch someone else). Gift wrap some broccoli. If nothing else, jog your memory! • Be realistic. It will hurt, but don’t try to block bad moments. Be ready for them. Lay in a supply of tissues (a roll of toilet paper is even more efficient!). Let those hurting moments come, deal with them and let them go. • Don’t deny yourself the gift of healing tears. Understand that heartaches will be unpacked as you sift through the decorations, but so, too, are the warm loving memories of each piece. • Find the gifts of your loved one’s life. Think of all the “gifts” that your loved one gave to you… joy, safety, laughter, companionship, compassion. List these “gifts” on strips of paper and keep them somewhere close to you. Some may put them in a gift box while others may decide to place them in the stocking. Some may decorate the tree with them or simply keep them in a memory book or in a secret place. But, wherever you place them, know these small strips of paper hold treasures far beyond our capacity to understand. They hold tangible evidence that someone lived. It is a reminder that we did exchange gifts and that, even though our loved one has died, we still have those gifts. Hints for Christmas by Darcie Sims