Compassion Autumn Winter 2023

5 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | NEWS FROM THE CATHARINE POINTER MEMORIAL LIBRARY example), instructions for preparing, planting and maintaining your garden and ideas for accessories like a bench maybe or a plaque. There are lots of quotes from people who have created a garden in a loved one’s memory too. All three of these books, in their different ways, can help us to treasure our precious memories and keep our beloved children alive in other people’s memories too. Another thing occupying my mind is the arrival of a parcel of books from a therapist, called Elizabeth, who specialises in PTSD and, now that she has retired, has given her books to the library in memory of her daughter Ann Charlotte Capewell. So now I have books with titles like ‘Understanding PTSD’ and ‘Counselling for PTSD’ which will be very useful. Psychiatrists call the loss of a child a ‘catastrophic stressor’, virtually all of us suffer from PTSD to some degree, and I would like to understand it better. I will find time over the winter going through these books and see what they can offer us. I do know one of the books though and it’s a second copy of one we already have called’ The PTSD sourcebook’. It's full of information, explanations and advice; it’s a hefty tome but is well set out, with short chapters, clear headings and pointers to what we can do to help ourselves. That one is available to borrow straight away. My third thought is that the year is moving on rapidly towards the silly season. When I was doing my on-line shopping order today mince pies were back on the menu and local garden centres are starting to display all the seasonal stuff. This will be my 20th Christmas without Claire and I know it’ll be a lot easier than the first one. Back then I had no desire to celebrate at all and I couldn’t bear the shops, the music, the food (no mince pies that year) or anything else. We had no young children in the family so were able to just ignore it. I know that’s not an option for everyone and it must be so hard when you have to make an effort. My advice is the same as always; look at the Christmas advice on the website tcf.org.uk/copingwithchristmas and don’t forget TCF is here for you, for example through the helpline and the facebook pages. Above all, be kind to yourself; if you don’t want to do something, like a party or carol concert or sending Christmas cards, you don’t have to do it. Self-preservation is far more important than other people’s expectations of how we should behave. This is part of the poem in the book ‘The Gift of Memory’ and the poet is writing about the time when grief starts to become softer and gentler. ‘This healing happens slowly over weeks and months and years. And even then, there will be days when memories call fresh tears. A song, or scent, or photograph keeps your heart in touch with all that you so treasured in the one you miss so much.’ With love from Mary