Compassion, Spring 2021

Spring 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 10 On Tuesday 16th February TCF members assembled via Zoom to hear Sangeeta Mahajan’s second talk about her personal journey of grief: My Champion, Me. Let’s Talk Self-Compassion. As in her first talk, her amazing serenity and calm wisdom were instantly evident. How can it be only six years since she lost her beloved 20 year old son Saagar to suicide? Describing the horrific and cataclysmic shock of losing her son she spoke of how instantly everything that she was and had been came into question. Her role as mother, doctor, friend, wife was now utterly threatened. The guilt and self-recrimination were total, not just things she perceived herself to have not done before Saagar’s suicide but indeed every decision she had made about him since he was born. It did not matter that others were trying to comfort and support her, she thought it was all her fault, and, as she said “You are always with yourself” 24 hours a day and the self-torture is unremitting. I think this resonated with many of the audience who commented that they are still struggling with this guilt many years on. Gradually Sangeeta began to be aware of the difference between her attitude to herself, and that shown by others to her. She saw that the compassion shown by others constituted a sensitivity to others’ feelings and a commitment to doing something to alleviate another’s suffering. She realised that her recovery depended on being able to do this for herself. She began asking herself “Am I a friend to me?”. She gave us a practical exercise to do, describing a time when she had left her house unlocked and she had arrived back to find thousands of pounds worth of belongings had been stolen. Firstly she asked us to write down what we would have said to Sangeeta, and everyone replied with positive and supportive comments. She then asked us to write down what we would have said to ourselves if it happened to us. It was astounding how critical, dismissive and unkind we were. What a powerful way of exposing our inner critical voice! Sangeeta quoted the Buddha’s saying that when we suffer misfortune two arrows fly our way. The first, the actual event, hits us without warning and we are unable to avoid it. The second arrow is more insidious, it is the self-torture and blame we mete out to ourselves because of the first arrow. We do not have to accept the second arrow because this time we have a choice. She says that there are three pillars of Self Compassion that can help us to deflect the second arrow, these being the very framework of our recovery and journey to My Champion Me – Let’s Talk Self Compassion