Compassion, Spring 2021

Spring 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 14 everything is about their death. You may even be thinking that it would be better if you could be together with them again. It is terrible and terribly hard. You are absolutely not alone. There are many, many people who are and who have been through complicated grief and what you are experiencing now. Remember that this is normal considering what you have been/are going through. Take a step back and try to look at what has happened to you from the outside looking in. If you made a list of everything you’ve experienced since your loved one’s death my guess is that it would be long. Look at that list and then ask yourself, how could you be feeling any different? Not only are you dealing with the huge number of things that your previous life and experiences did not prepare you for, but for many of you, this awful trauma goes on for a really long time (the average length of time it takes to get through an inquest, investigation etc is 7 years, but it’s very often closer to 12 years). That is a very, very long time indeed to be stuck in this awfulness. No wonder your grief is complicated by everything you are going through. One of the common themes of complicated grief is the feeling that no one and nothing can help you. You feel no-one else understands. But that is just not true. There are people who understand because they have been through it and come out the other side, or because they have had specific training to help with this. BUT (and that’s a big but on purpose) if you want professional counselling make sure you tell them you have “complex grief” or “grief with complications”. If they don’t seem to understand what you’re talking about then they are not the right counsellor for you. It is very important that you see professionals who have previous knowledge and experience of helping people with complicated grief. If you accept counselling from someone who has never dealt with this before or is using you to further their own knowledge and experience, they could do more harm than good. If you don’t feel ready for professional help, then you may find speaking to the helplines at grief charities helpful. All are staffed by family members who have lost loved ones and often in traumatic circumstances, so they may easily also have had complicated grief. Sometimes you can reach out on social media and find other people who are going through or have been through complicated grief, but I would never suggest using social media contact as a substitute for professional help. But most of all, remember that not only are you not alone in what you are experiencing – many, many other people have been there before you and really do understand what you are going through. Can you ever get through complicated grief? Is there another place beyond it? Yes, definitely. How do I know? Because I had bad PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) caused by complicated grief for years and now I am a lot better. I still need to be aware of triggers and Take a step back and try to look at what has happened to you from the outside looking in.