Compassion, Spring 2021

Spring 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 19 I Feeling Guilty about Feeling Happy My eldest son, Matthew, was born in 1986, and then in April 1989 I had Simon who contracted bacterial endocarditis and died aged 9 months in January 1990. I was 33 when he died and became pregnant in the October of 1990. Hollie was born in July 1991, then I had Jordan in January 1994. He was actually due on the day that his brother had died four years previously but came the day after, so while he was growing up it was emotionally draining to have an anniversary one day and then a birthday the next day. I am a prolific letter writer and still am. I wrote to Claire Rayner because she was the agony aunt of the day and I felt so guilty enjoying life after the ultimate had happened to me but I knew that how I brought up Matthew, Hollie and Jordan would mould them into the adults and parents they would become. I still think her words are as true today as they were 28 years ago: Heather Wicks Dear Heather Well, I can tell you first of all, that feeling guilty about being happy is a very common response indeed. Of course having Hollie doesn’t replace Simon – but she has brought happiness on her own account and there’s nothing “wrong” with enjoying her and feeling all the pleasure and delight that she’s brought. There’s no way you’ll ever forget your son – even if you hadn’t raised that marvellous amount for the hospital in his name, he’s a part of your family and always will be in his own way – but there’s no need to deprive yourself of these wonderful feelings because of his loss. I’m glad that you’ve been in touch with the Compassionate Friends and I hope they’ve been able to help you. Perhaps they’ve tried to explain the process of grieving and have told you that these guilty feelings are part of the pattern and perfectly normal and natural. Bereaved people often feel that their grief and distress ought to last for ever, or go on much longer, but getting back to life with the family is natural and part of the process of recovery – and as I say, doesn’t ever take away from the feelings you have about Simon or your sadness at his loss. I think that in time you will be able to accept your happiness and stop feeling badly about it – and although the sadness of Simon’s loss will always be there (and you’ll always think about him during happy and sad times), you won’t punish yourself for feeling happy. You really are allowed to do so, I promise you. With my very best wishes. Yours very sincerely Claire Rayner