Compassion, Spring 2023

Spring 2023 - Compassion | tcf.org.uk 14 The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss by The Reverend Richard Coles In the 1980s Richard Coles was a pop singer. Later he became an Anglican priest and married David, another Anglican priest, who died in December 2019. This moving book takes us through the nature of grief and is well worth reading. I have lost two sons and, over the years, parents and friends. I have always felt that, in many ways, there are no compartments in grief; grief is grief – and the more we can learn about other people’s grief the better. Richard Coles has advantages; he is clearly very intelligent, literate and commendably open and honest - used to being in the spotlight. After all he is a co-presenter on BBC radio four; he is the only vicar to have had a number 1 hit single and has even appeared on Strictly Come Dancing! In short he has knocked around the world a good deal and learnt much along the way. His husband David was damaged and difficult and his alcoholism eventually killed him. At times it made life intolerable for both of them yet Richard’s love and loyalty stood firm. We are not spared the details; I admire the frankness - does it really help to say the dead person was a saint when he clearly wasn’t? My son Joshua certainly was no saint - not that I don’t continue to love him, often speaking of him with amused, even exasperated, affection. Some years after Joshua died I realised that four pillars had kept me sane; faith, family, friends and food. Yes food! Richard reinforces this point very well. As a committed Christian faith was invaluable, as were the rituals of grief, but he majored on family and friends. My goodness how they helped. Wisely he was on good terms with David’s family. Of course we seldom know when death will strike but surely it pays to be on good terms with one’s immediate and wider family and, likewise, friends. The descriptions of their practical loving support is moving. And food? By food I mean looking after yourself! We must eat and drink, although not too much and we must keep reasonably fit and active. Richard instinctively realised this and, difficult though it was, found solace in looking after himself and also in continuing to work as a priest. If in pain it often helps to think of others. Work, providing that it’s not too stressful, can be therapeutic. I’m sure Richard would agree that having to ‘perform’ does help to heal. One final point. Richard has titled his book ‘The Madness of Grief’, which is an excellent title. All of us who grieve know the ups and downs, the violent gyrations of emotions, the tiredness, the despair; we just have to go through