Compassion, Spring 2024

18 tcf.org.uk I have chosen the title ‘non- rules for grieving’ because, from my standpoint of 18 years into grieving for James, and the more recent loss of my brother and three friends, I understand that there are in fact no rules. There may be guidelines, there is plenty of advice, but each person’s grief path is entirely individual, in the same way that our fingerprints are unique to each of us. There are commonalities in grieving but there is no single, blanket description of how it will be for me, for you, or for anyone else. But pointers along this non-linear process are very helpful and here are ten of mine. I hope they are useful. Don’t be afraid Grief attracts negative reactions and emotions: fear, anger, guilt, anxiety … and a sense of isolation that is hard to overcome. The isolation of feeling that the world continues to turn without you having any part of its rotation can leave you fearful and lacking in confidence to do very much; particularly in the early days of loss. Well-meaning people trying to encourage you by saying, “Be strong” and “Be brave” may simply heighten your desire to say that you don’t feel strong or brave today; you feel scared. Don’t be afraid to voice your fears to give others a better understanding of where you are in the process. Naming fear can lessen it and if the worst thing that could happen to you has happened, what can make you truly frightened in the long term? Stop asking questions We are innately curious creatures and want answers and reasons for everything. Want a recipe? Ask Google. Can’t remember the title of a song? Ask Alexa. But don’t keep asking yourself the questions “Why?” and “What if? …” You may learn early in the process, as I did, that these questions are futile and never going to be answered. When you keep asking questions, it makes you angry that you can’t get the answers. Identify the anger for what it is and let it rest. Or figuratively throw it in the bin, you don’t need it! Don’t sideline your grief If you try to ignore your grief, to ‘park’ it in a segment of your mind, you will at some point come unstuck. It is helpful to confront your grief in whatever ways work for you. Within my comfort zone was writing a journal; ranting really, letting all the sorrow and shock spill out onto the page – not for public consumption, but to lighten the weight of the cloak of grief that sat heavily on my shoulders at the outset. I also found, and continue to find, solace in being outside in nature. Nothing is demanded of me other than putting one foot in front of the other, and the lack of distraction means that I can work through whatever is on my mind. Nature doesn’t mind if you’re crying. Don’t force yourself into meeting others’ expectations Today’s world is all about rushing, busyness, and ‘getting over it’ so you are ‘back to normal’ as soon as possible. People don’t realise, and this is especially true of child loss, that you are never going to be ‘over it’, and you will never again be the ‘normal you’ that they know. You are changed by your experience, and that cannot be undone. It means adapting to fit your new persona, which wears and carries grief. You will become adept at putting on a mask to face the world, particularly in the early days. Take your time, go slowly. Don’t give up There is no doubt that grieving is hard work. It is tiring, demoralising and painful. It is distressing, sad and can be the loneliest place on earth. But … don’t give up! Intense grief doesn’t last for ever. Hold onto COMPASSION | FEATURE - TEN NON-RULES FOR GRIEVING Ten Non-rules for Grieving by Andrea Corrie