Compassion, Spring 2024

19 tcf.org.uk the fact that you will heal, and you will feel better. Hold onto the store of memories that you have and that you can access any time; they are with you always. Take comfort from the familiar reminders of photographs, clothing, music … anything positive that you can grasp will help. Do reach out You do not need to go through this alone. The Compassionate Friends, for bereaved parents, was an absolute lifeline for me. It is therapeutic to be with others who are going through a similar scenario to you, whilst recognising that you are all on an individual route. Putting your emotions into words with others who truly understand offers an unparalleled level of healing, over time. Friendships deepen and grow and become less focused on the initial trauma; these are truly precious relationships. The internet can be your friend if you are seeking appropriate organisations for your situation, and ataloss.org is a useful directory to consult for signposting. Do learn The more you know about grief and its processes, the more you will realise the normality of your feelings. The power of knowing that you are experiencing similar feelings to others is a confidence boost. Reading or listening to podcasts by bereaved people who are further along the line than you can be immensely helpful. I could not have written my two books without recourse to a great deal of research, reading and conversation about being a bereaved parent, sibling and friend. Do embrace joy At first it can be hard to allow yourself to have anything approaching fun. Sharing a laugh with someone does not dishonour the memory of your loved one – rather it proves that you can still enjoy life, in spite of and alongside your loss. You are carrying on with life, and being able to look forward instead of back, is ultimately a privilege that has been denied to those whom you have lost, so you need to welcome it with open arms. When moving forward is hard, seek out what makes you smile, rather than be drawn into negative territory. Do say “yes” and “no” Definitely “Yes” to becoming involved in new projects and activities when you are ready to tackle these; but “No” to anything that saps your energy, drains you, or makes you stressed. You are already stressed with the grieving process and certainly don’t need any additional worry. You may find that you wish to take entirely new directions after loss, challenging your confidence. New achievements will empower your new grief warrior role. You may have a sort of mad bravery that makes you do things like a parachute jump or get a tattoo: things that you wouldn’t have considered previously. Nothing is off limits really, as long as it is legal! Do look for the light There are many descriptors for the worst aspects of grief and they’re always dark: a pit, a cave, an uncharted map, an unrecognisable planet, a cell… but light can and does dispel the darkness. Darkness does not extinguish light. Whether it is the flame of a candle you have lit, a sunny spring morning, a fragrant bloom in the garden, the birth of a child, or grandchild … all these precious moments and experiences bring back the light into your world. The mourning light is my descriptor for it: never quite the same as the ‘before’ light but containing qualities I hadn’t truly explored before, such as resilience, memories, friendship, faith and above all, love. When you distil down the grieving process to its nub, what is at the heart of it? Love, of course… If we didn’t feel, we couldn’t love, and if we didn’t love, we couldn’t grieve. The most beneficial results in grieving will come out of your own experience. You know yourself best and no one else can truly walk your walk. It’s true that loss, whether sudden or expected, upsets your equilibrium in a way nothing else can. Take a deep breath and stride out towards the mourning light. This can ultimately bring you peace and healing from your loss. Godspeed your journey! COMPASSION | FEATURE - TEN NON-RULES FOR GRIEVING