23 tcf.org.uk In the immediate shock after Dan’s death, I went for counselling with a nice young girl at my local GP surgery. She had obviously just done a course of bereavement and showed me the circles of grief which are meant to help. It didn’t really. We both ended up in floods of tears. By the second session I was almost having to console the counsellor. My wife also found the counselling didn’t help. We felt lost and increasingly isolated. But then one day my wife came across a mention of Compassionate Friends in Swindon on the internet, and she persuaded me that it might help. I was very sceptical at first, but after Alison had seen the wonderful leader who ran the local group, I agreed to go to a meeting. I didn’t really want to go, as it was so soon after Dan’s death (about 6 months), but I have never regretted it. The strength of the group is that you are with people who know exactly how you are feeling. You don’t have to explain it to them. They have all lost a child. They get it. You are are able to talk freely and in confidence about your deepest sorrow and feelings, and they understand. You can just talk or listen; contribute, or not. There is no religion, no pressure, no expectations. And it gives you comfort to know there are others who are in the same boat. They are suffering or have suffered the same as you. We became members of the club we never wanted to join, and indeed nobody wants to join. In this safe space, you can cry one minute and laugh the next, and not feel guilty. In fact, it is more than that for my wife and me, as we feel that we have met people who are now lifelong friends. You can go or not to the monthly meetings, or the social events like walks, meals out, summer BBQs, skittles nights or just a coffee with people in the group. There’s no pressure. Yet an important time of the year is the candlelight ceremony before Christmas, which brings most of the members of the local group together to remember our lost loved ones and console each other. It’s especially important at this time of year, as Christmas and New Year can be a terrible and painful time. It is particularly difficult for us, as our lovely son died on |November 28th, only four days before his birthday on December 2nd. We dread it. But Compassionate Friends has helped ease the pain. It has helped us to assimilate our grief around the loss of our son. It has also helped our wonderful daughter Laura cope with her grief. In fact, she has met and made friends through Compassionate Friends with another young woman who lost her sister. Sometimes siblings get forgotten, as people often ask how the parents of their lost child are doing, but forget that it can be devastating for their sisters and brothers. So, what has happened to our grief over the last 10 years? It isn’t as raw and totally debilitating as it was. It is something we have learned to live with, although Dan is still a part of our lives every day. We can function and live our lives, up to a point. But it does change you. It has certainly changed us. I hope it has changed me for the better. It has made me more considerate of other people’s feelings and made me more aware of the fragility of the lives we lead and how quickly it can be wiped out. So I feel you have to grab what life you can and get the most out of it. It isn’t the extravagant things, but the simple things such as family and friends. A smile, a hug, a gesture of kindness. It’s what will help keep our son Dan close to us and alive in our memories and hearts for many more years. We will miss him, always. COMPASSION | FEATURE - TEN YEARS OF GRIEF
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