28 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE - SIBLING GRIEF I've had a rough few days: monster headaches, unusual-forme heart palpitations, low energy and motivation, and a feeling of lightheaded wooziness (the passout kind) every time I got up and tried to accomplish something. ‘My brain kept panicking. What's wrong with me?! Why can't I get anything done?! Am I sick? Do I have a brain tumour?! Oh, the places the human mind goes...’ Bundling myself up, I took my dog for a walk in the bitter cold and snow, thinking maybe I just needed some exercise, sunshine, and nature therapy to feel better. It worked—for a bit—but back down I'd go because I still felt puny, blah, and just 'not right.' I even took my blood pressure, wondering if I was having another one of my occasional lowpressure bouts. Nope—all normal for me. I kept vacillating between being kind to myself and resting and getting mad at myself for not accomplishing enough. ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, Chris?!’ Get it together, I'd think! (Why are we so hard on ourselves?) Then, yesterday, it finally hit me. ‘Oh my gosh—it's grief. It's grief!!!!!!!!’ I've been in survival mode. I've been navigating the loss of my brother and dealing with the myriad details surrounding his estate—all while distracting myself with holiday craziness, family gatherings, and everything that had to be done. I had myself convinced I was crying less because I had it all together this time around. I told myself I was better equipped to handle the grief because of all my experience with it. But I forgot some of the most important facts about grief: 1. Grief is exhausting. Even under the best of circumstances, it drains you. Add the holidays, probate stress, travel, immune system strain, and poor sleep, and it’s a recipe for crumbling. It doesn't matter how strong you think you are— grief WILL exhaust you. 2. Survival mode wreaks havoc on your body. The extra cortisol (stress hormone) coursing through your system creates chaos— disrupting sleep, causing inflammation, raising your heart rate, and suppressing your immune system. It can lead to adrenal fatigue, anxiety, or even full-blown bereavement syndrome. 3. Every loss is different. While there are similarities, every grief brings new challenges, new heartbreak, new awareness, and new lessons. 4. Emotions demand to be felt. If they’re not acknowledged—through body work, tears, talking, exercise, or other means—they manifest as physical symptoms. I’ve been burying my grief, apparently, because it’s what we do when we feel we have no choice—or when we unconsciously distract ourselves to avoid it. 5. Grief is cumulative. If you’re already managing one grief, another can tip the scales, especially when there’s not enough time to process the first. I remember this vividly from the period when I lost several family members in quick succession. In my case, I think the final tipping point was the grief I feel for what’s happening in Los Angeles. I’m an extremely empathetic soul, and I feel others’ pain deeply. During 9/11, I remember a crushing weight on my chest that made it hard to breathe—this feels similar. Sibling Grief by Christine Colyer - Writer (Taken with the writer’s permission from Facebook)
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