Compassion Summer 2021

Summer 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 18 As the world changes (more so this year than ever!) so do our day to day circumstances, needs and pressures. Our personal/family life can have a huge impact on our mental wellbeing, health, aspirations and productivity and when things go wrong it can have a limitless effect on our working life. So, for those of us who are currently dealing with any kind of stress, anxiety and depression; how do we continue to push ourselves for a successful career? I fell pregnant in 2016 with twin boys, pregnancy was textbook, no issues, it was amazing, apart from the fact at 5’4” I was the size of a truck! Boys arrived on time without complication, were good eaters, great sleepers (after the first 9 months) and I returned to work full time when they were 10 months old – for a rest! My boys went to nursery where their development flourished, they became beautiful, independent, healthy and happy little boys. Then on a Monday morning in 2019 while my husband was working away, my world came crashing down. One of my boys had passed away in his sleep. My boy had died; how could this happen. How could this be reality? Its not possible, I tucked him in, a healthy, lively, loving little boy and he was gone, its just not possible!! The coming months would be full of medical tests, trips backwards and forwards to the hospital to see the consultant, and after dozens of tests the Hospital said they couldn’t establish a solid reason. This was a second hit and made the fact he was gone impossible to come to terms with. He was a healthy 2-year-old, how could this have happened. How was I supposed to live without a cause, a reason, something to blame, how can I hold all that on my shoulders as well as the pain, how could I carry on, how could I create a happy home and a life for my other little boy having gone through this. How could we survive without him? I was broken, I needed medication to make me sleep and intense PTSD therapy for the first 6 months, just to allow me to begin to process the events of that morning, to stop the panic attacks and anxiety. I sat at the bottom of the stairs with a baby monitor every night after putting my boy to bed, just waiting for an unusual noise. We invested in a new smart sock from an American company which monitored his heart, he wore it every night without fail. Thankfully he was oblivious to all of this, mummy read him a story, gave him a cuddle and he fell asleep; while I sat, and waited, and waited on the edge of my seat until my body was so exhausted I slept, then I woke up and waited some more, then in the morning when he woke up and went to nursery I slept, knowing he was safe and someone was watching over him constantly. My brain was saying this was irrational, however I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him too, and without a reason for my little boy’s death no one could offer me reassurance for the other. Help for Bereaved Parents