Compassion Summer 2021

Summer 2021 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 19 This was life now, every night I put him to bed as if it could be the last time I saw him, and I took the monitor and sat and waited. It was torture, constant torment of feeling completely helpless. No parent should have to do that! This was a 6-month period of therapy, antidepressants, sleeping pills, anxiety treatment, CBT and grief therapy. I felt sick every day, I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. I needed to face it all and start to put life back together. I needed to pull myself out of this hole and find a way to start living and not just surviving. After almost a year I was sort of ready to walk back into the office and face my colleagues, who I hadn’t seen since my boy’s funeral service. That was a very difficult day, but a colleague came and picked me up from home and drove me in, they were with me all the way, I was moved by the efforts of others, it gave me confidence, it forced me to look forwards. Yes, I can do this! I returned to the office part time just under 12 months from the day we lost our boy, and with the help of the support network my firm provided I am still here, now full time and focusing on my future career path. Some days are ok, some days are bad and I have flashbacks randomly that I have learned to control thanks to the counselling I’ve received. I’ve learned you need to face them, hold fast and let the pain wash over you, its unavoidable and shying away from it only makes it worse the next time – and believe me there WILL be a next time. But how can I get through a working day? I take myself out of the room, or off video call, I take the pain as it comes, I cry, I re-live it all and it eventually goes. Then I’m that little bit stronger, and anyone who can empathise with me, to any degree, will know strength is the only thing that gets you through. I take the time I need to calm down, tell myself I’m not going to let it beat me, I call someone if I need to vent. And after I’m feeling in control I go back into the office and pick up where I left off. It is possible, it can be done! It has taken over 18 months for me to be able to put this all into words, and my advice is to take all the help that is offered. Your immediate reaction will be to say no, you won’t want to talk or open up to people, but it all does help, it really does. Look at your support network, who is available to you to help, friend, family, colleague, helpline, even writing a blog, just do whatever you need to for YOU. Even if your natural coping mechanism is to become a recluse, avoid people, try and talk to just one person, anyone, because every time you do the weight you feel is a tiny bit lighter and with the help of other people it’s possible to close the loop on the downward spiral of depression. Be realistic about your coping mechanisms, you can have all the self control in the world and still be reduced to your knees when a memory hits. These feelings are normal, accept them. Remember to forgive yourself if you feel depressed, useless or unmotivated because you know what, the only person judging you, is you…..! be kind to yourself. Kelly Peden