COMPASSION 212 Summer 2022

Summer 2022 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 21 “Who knows. Maybe all of that, maybe none of it but I do know this…” What? “That I would have had exactly what I have today.” What are you talking about? “I would have been, as I am, surrounded by love. I would have, as I still do, made people laugh and be happy. There would have been, as there still is, a smile at the mention of my name, and yes, ok, there would have been cake but we still have a lot to be grateful for mum. And you get extra cake.” James, I miss you so absolutely. So deeply. So painfully. So catastrophically. Sometimes I think that I might break under the weight of it all and I can’t hold it. “Then budge up and let’s hold it together mum. Side by side. You’ve got this. You have a lovely day planned haven’t you?” Yes, it is going to be a special day in many ways. “Well then. It’s not all dark. Look for the light. Even if you don’t want to. Even if it is difficult to find. Light seeps into the darkest crevices mum, but you have to open your eyes to see it. And anyway, ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! Stop crying!!!!!!! Say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!” Ok son. You’re right. Mummy shouldn’t be sobbing on your birthday. “Yeah, I’m 30 today Ma. I think I might not be calling you Mummy anymore… Wait…no! That was supposed to make you laugh, not set you off again! Oh dear.” I’m ok, son. It’s going to be a lovely day and you will be loved, you will be remembered and I’m still and always will be your proud Mummy…. or Ma….Or Mum. Or whatever adult sons call their Mothers. Happy birthday you beautiful kind loving soul. I love you with all my being. “You too Ma. Except for the Happy birthday bit. Cos it’s not your birthday. ITS MINE!!! Happy birthday toooooooo meeeeeeeeee.” Maria Ahern