Compassion Summer 2023

15 tcf.org.uk time or hold down a conversation. I walked round in a daze – like a zombie. I remember looking around and wondering how everyone could act so normally when something so cataclysmic had happened. How could they not notice – our world had abruptly dropped into a chasm. I expected a kind of reverent hush but unbelievably life carried on. When your child dies the fragility of life is like a lightening bolt of reality that rips through your world – the safely net (that you thought was there) is torn away – nothing will ever feel safe again. Once broken – it can never go back to how it was. Every single morning I wake up to a reality I don’t want to be real. I’m sort of getting used to it and sort of not!! But the effort of trying to hold it together when inside you’re falling apart is exhausting. Sometimes we manage…sometimes we don’t. Nearly five years after: Living without Ben is still unbearable. But I’ve noticed recently that the balance has shifted. Love is very slowly and gently starting to outweigh pain. I don’t know how, or at what point that started to happen. The sadness remains and the pain is still as painful…but love has taken precedence and I’m definitely calmer (most days) and better able to focus on living. My love for Ben is actually growing stronger not weaker. He’s never ever out of my mind! I see him everywhere – in everything that’s beautiful. But this doesn’t mean I’m ‘getting over it’ or ‘moving on’. Grief is not something you recover from. It just means that my brain is simply finding ways to cope. I used to panic that if I looked happy people would think I was ok or had forgotten (as if that is even possible!!). If I laughed I felt guilty – like I was betraying Ben or trivialising the enormity of his death. It felt wrong to entertain a happy emotion when my precious boy had died. The pain was like a force shield that was doggedly determined to block out all the good things in my life. People would tell me how strong I was. They didn’t understand that I was simply going through the motions because I had no choice! I wasn’t strong – I was broken. I’m still broken! I worry about that less now – partly because I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what other people The Weight of Grief - Sculpture by Celeste Roberge COMPASSION | FEATURE - GETTING GOOD (BETTER) AT FEELING BAD