21 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | SIBLING GRIEF - FEATURE: LOSING MY BROTHER PAUL It happened after a short aggressive illness. No time to get used to the idea. Not that having more time would have helped. Grieving. It’s such a personal journey. It seems like you are the only person on the planet feeling like this. Alone. In shock. Unable to grasp the situation. Knowing, yet not believing. Realising yet not understanding. It is my honour to miss you but the cost is a pain that is instant and deep. A pain so deep you can’t see the edges, no end to it. Gone too early. It’s not fair. I can’t believe he is no longer in this world, everything is out of kilter, all balance is gone. When you lose someone so special you try to hold onto whatever you can and keep it with you for as long as you can, the remembering is both a deep sorrow yet a comfort too. At the beginning I got what I call “Stand up, sit down syndrome”. It didn’t matter what I was doing, I needed to be doing something else. When I did something else it didn’t help and back again to wanting to do something else. Round in circles. I just had to remember to breathe. Going through the thoughts of “last time I did this” or “last time I saw this” … he was here. The first few seconds of the morning waking up were ok, then you remember, the chest tightens, the throat screams a silent scream and the tears come. Sometimes it’s good to talk about it if you can. Share stories with others as it brings them back for a short while. Sometimes silence is the way to handle things. A quiet contemplation. Sometimes courage brings a little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow – but moving forward is not always done in the same way. The journey winds and changes tack. Short days, long days. Let feelings find a way out if you can and pause and just be. Shed the tears you need to. There is no shortcut to fixing it. It will never be fixed. Someone once told me “There is a hole in your life just learn to walk around it”. There is comfort in those words. He has not gone completely. Living on in our hearts. Another saying I found comfort in was “I loved you for the whole of your life and will miss you for the rest of mine”. How true. And, “Grief is the price we pay for love”. There is comfort in that saying also, if you didn’t love them so much you would have just moved on with your life. The more you think about it, wouldn’t it be a nice thing to be in the position where you look back on it, but in a kindly way, rather than live through it, but live through it we must. But one day you will look back on it with different eyes. I think that the passage of time doesn’t heal but it does soften. I suppose I’d rather have this than not have had Paul. Paul, you are always with me, now more than ever. We were lucky to have had you in our lives. Paul, you live on in how you changed us. You are part of us. Thank you Paul. If you believe in your God or if you believe that we become part of the ever renewing universe and we are stardust, embrace it and take comfort in it. I appreciate each day more now than before. Regrets? Sorry I didn’t see more of him but he knew I loved him and he in his own way loved me. Advice? Forgive yourself if you feel forgiveness is needed. Take all the time you need to heal and find peace, allowing yourself to discover a new normal. But above all, be kind to yourself. Losing my brother Paul by Claire Savill
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