9 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | NEWS FROM THE CATHARINE POINTER MEMORIAL LIBRARY donated a copy of ‘I Promise it Won’t Always Hurt Like This’ (a reader named Anna who has very generously used some of her son Billy’s memorial fund to buy us a number of books for the library) and Debbie Enever has very kindly sent us a copy of her book ‘Midowed’, so there are two copies of each in the library. The first book answers my big question from 2004, ‘Will it always hurt this much?’ And thankfully the answer to that is ‘No it won’t’. That question’s answer is based on Claire Mackintosh’s own experience and I can second it from my experience. You don’t ever ‘get over’ the death of your child but it does get so much easier and gentler with time and, as I’ve said before, my memories are more likely to make me smile than cry now. Reading ‘Midowed’ made me think about the lack of a word for a bereaved parent in the English language. Debbie coined this one when talking to a friend, saying “What do we call a woman whose only child has died? A midow? A mother that’s been widowed?”. Her friend replies that it’s a good word but Debbie says “It’s not, it’s a terrible word, the worst'' Other languages, like Hebrew and Arabic, do have words to describe a bereaved parent (Shaku and Thakla) but my favourite comes from Sanskrit, one of the oldest languages still in use which is spoken in parts of India. The word is ‘vilomah’ and its literal translation is ‘against the natural order of things’. In ‘Midowed’ Debbie talks about the way Dan’s organs helped so many other people so I had a look in the library for other books which talk about organ donation and I could only find two. There is ‘The Boy Who Gave His Heart Away’ by Cole Morton. This is the story of two boys, Marc and Martin, one the donor and the other the recipient of a heart. It’s also the story of their mothers, their fears for their sons, their grief and the way they bonded over the tragedy that had united them. It really is a very interesting and informative look at organ donation, told from both aspects, donor family and recipient family, and is an inspiring story highlighting the best in human nature. The other book we have is a very scholarly one. It’s called ‘Wrapped in Mourning’ by Sue Holtkamp and it addresses every aspect of organ donation from both the donor and the recipient’s point of view. This is not a book for newly bereaved parents but may well be of interest later on, when you might want to know more about the subject. I’ll just finish by going back to the podcast I took part in. As I said it’s one of a series of seven podcasts in which you can hear Debbie Enever chatting to a bereaved parent. I’ll put the link at the end. Firstly though I’d like to share one more piece of it here. Debbie asked me what is good in my life, what makes my life worth living, and, after a lot of thought, I came up with three things. In strictly reverse order they are 1) It’s been 20 years and I’m still here. I’m pretty healthy and there are a lot of things I enjoy, like a good book, a meet up with friends, going out for a nice meal. 2) Other people, friends, family, neighbours and strangers who smile and greet me with a ‘good morning’. I never have been a very materialistic person but now I know for sure how important people are and how unimportant things are. I should include animals here. I don’t have any pets myself but I meet a lot of cats and dogs (and a snake) in other people’s houses and there’s nothing so soothing as stroking a warm friendly animal. 3) The most important thing is that I would rather have been Claire’s mum for 18 years, with all the grief and pain her early death brought me, than not have had her in my life at all. My daughter was feisty, kind and generous, I talk to her often, talk to others about her, think about her a lot and I feel truly blessed to have been lucky enough to have shared her life Mary xxx Listen to the podcast at bereavedparentsclub.org.uk/ podcast-series1
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