15 tcf.org.uk When Rosie died suddenly 20 years ago on 04 December 2004, at nine and a half years old, I could never have imagined that I could have survived the extraordinary pain for 20 days, 20 weeks, or 20 months – let alone 20 years. My mum had experienced the death of her son before I was born. A few weeks after Rosie’s death she said to me “You won’t always feel this way Carolyn; in time you will be able to think of Rosie with a smile instead of through tears”. At the time I thought she was mad and was really angry with her. I felt I would always be crying for my daughter. She couldn’t have loved her son as much as I loved my daughter, and I couldn’t see a way to survive Rosie’s devastating loss. I felt like I would never smile again – the pain was so intense. I didn’t speak to my mum for some time after that as I was so cross that she could think that I would ever be able to find a modicum of joy again. But, now I know she was right…and I do have a happy life, albeit with some sorrowful days – like today – the ‘anniversary’ of Rosie’s death and other days where the longing to see and hold my little girl again rises to the surface. Overall, I have more joy than sorrow in my life and have re-engaged in those parts of my life which make me happy. It’s taken time, but Rosie is now an integral part of me, my work, and the activities in my life which give me enjoyment and contentment. Others have likened the death of a child as a bomb going off in your family – and that’s exactly how it felt. The raw, grinding, all-encompassing pain hit me like a ton of bricks. Questions ran round and round in my head: How would we survive this tragedy, how could I go on living without Rosie, when would the pain end, was Natalie’s life ruined forever, could our relationship survive this? The guilt was crippling – I was Rosie’s mother, I should have seen that she was unwell I felt I had failed to protect her, I had not acted quickly enough. I had gone out to Natalie’s school Christmas fair and left Rosie when she had said she was not feeling well. All these questions and thoughts went round and round in my head. I believed I had failed as a parent, as 20 years and a 30th birthday by Carolyn Brice COMPASSION | FEATURE - 20 YEARS AND A 30TH BIRTHDAY
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