24 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE - HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE? How many children do you have? by Lisa Oliver That question. How do you answer that one? Do you go with honesty, knowing that you are about to drop a bomb into the middle of a normal everyday conversation if you explain? Watch the expression of horror spread over their face, the confusion, sympathy, the quick glance at their own child to make sure this devastating level of loss isn’t catching. Do you lie, and let another little bit of your soul die as you deny your child? Or go vague, but not elaborate? I’ve done all variations over the last year, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I think it depends on the context and who is asking and why. I remember clearly the first time I was asked this, about eight months after Joshua died. We were on holiday in Croatia with friends for a week. My daughter Grace and I had our own apartment, and we spent each day with our friends at their apartment as they had a pool. I needed my own space to retreat to each night, to lick my wounds, to cry, to mourn, but I wanted Grace to have company to help with that glaring gap where Joshua should be. So, the ideal solution was to book the same resort but have our own accommodation within walking distance. The weather was great, the company better, stunning views, clear blue skies, sparkling seas, wonderful food. And yet… I was already struggling a lot, trying to be upbeat and not ruin it for my friends. But Joshua was just everywhere and nowhere on that holiday. My soul was crying out for him day after day. The intense yearning felt magnified. There was a garden area at our friends’ apartment filled with tortoises roaming around, which Joshua would have absolutely loved. I had never seen so many in one place and they were all fairly ‘amorous’, which I knew he would have found hilarious. I could picture him doubling over with laughter, that huge open mouthed silent laugh he did when he saw something that really amused him. That was absolutely his humour, but he would also have loved just being able to pick them up and feed them, watch them play and be in there with them. He was such an animal lover. I kept looking at the tortoises and crying at what he was missing. I don’t think that part ever gets any better, the sadness at what he misses out on, what he doesn’t get to experience. I felt so guilty at everything we got to do that holiday that he didn’t.
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