28 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE - RETURN TO HOSPITAL Life can sometimes be very difficult. Your child has died and you are shattered as you try to make sense of what has happened and find your way forward. You need time and space to think about your child and discover how to adjust to a life without their physical presence. There’s probably a lot of things to do too – organising a funeral, informing friends and family, banks and employers. There are masses of items to sort out, perhaps clothes to pack away or give away. All of this goes on for weeks, months, perhaps years. In the midst of the ongoing turmoil in the aftermath of the death of your child, you might not feel very well. The mental, emotional and practical stresses of grief might leave you feeling exhausted, headachy or with stomach aches. Your appetite might be off and your sleep disturbed. The reality is that poor health following bereavement might be connected directly to the bereavement. It might be exacerbated by the bereavement. But it might also be from a different cause altogether. So you might find yourself at the doctor’s. “I’ve been here before,” you might find yourself thinking. The memories of “before” cause you to tremble. Perhaps you find yourself being poked and prodded, inside the rattle of a CT scanner, or waiting in the outpatients’ department. Perhaps you find yourself waiting anxiously for test results. Perhaps you find yourself in the anteroom awaiting surgery, counting down from 10 as the anaesthetic starts to take effect. None of this is easy to go through for anybody. But the fact that you’re a bereaved parent adds other factors. Physically you might be starting from a low point due to the stress of your bereavement. The memories of what your child went through will also have a massive impact. You may be afraid for your life, knowing that despite all the best care given (and perhaps prayers offered), the outcome for your child is that they died. On the other hand, you might feel somewhat ambivalent about surviving when your child didn’t. Perhaps part of you will wish that you won’t survive. But on top of all of this, whether your health problems only get you as far as a GP or whether they take you all the way into hospital care, there are the reminders. You might find yourself reliving what your child went through. You might measure the treatment and care you are given against the treatment and care your child was given. The echoes of your child's presence in that place might overwhelm you. I remember going for a routine follow-up appointment to the rheumatology clinic for my arthritis. My previous visit, six months earlier, had been during a week when my daughter was visiting. This appointment on this day now really wasn’t a big deal medically, but the fact that on the previous occasion Catherine had been there, but now she wasn’t, created a big emotional hurdle for me to climb over. Just like any aspect of life and grief, we each must find our own ways through these difficulties. I hope these few ideas might be helpful if you’re in this situation. Return to hospital: Coping with medical treatment when you’re bereaved by Abi May
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