29 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE - RETURN TO HOSPITAL Face into the pain If going to the doctor, sitting in a hospital waiting room or having some form of tests or treatment is triggering for you in your grief, then that is your reality. Being honest with yourself about how difficult it is, rather than trying to suppress your feelings, might help. Some people find that journalling helps them in these moments. Putting the muddle of thoughts and emotions into some sort of order can really help. Of course, if you have someone to talk with or who can be with you during these times, that will be a bonus, but it isn’t always possible. Depending on how much your grief is adding to the upset you feel at the moment, it can be a good idea to mention it to the staff. Your GP should hopefully already know the background, but they may have forgotten or they might not see any connection. A nurse, a phlebotomist, a radiographer or an anaesthetist won’t know your story. You might want to tell them. You won’t be the first to have opened up in this way. There’s something about the medical environment that makes a lot of people tell their story. Even a brief mention, “this reminds me of my Dave’s treatment before he died, and it’s making me emotional” could be enough to elicit their empathy and kindness. Kindness won’t take away the ordeal, but it might just make it a bit easier to bear. Pause to do what’s important to you My two children are part of my life. When I’ve had to face surgery or a major hospital visit, I’ve always wanted to visit their grave beforehand. It’s not the only place I go to remember them, but this is a special visit to have a chat with them about what is going on. It’s a bit of a ritual, and bringing these thoughts and feelings to the surface, putting them into words, helps me manage them. Perhaps you have your own rituals, your own places you visit both in remembrance and also in recognition of these important times. If you’re a praying person, it could be through prayer. Whatever it is, try to take care of things that are important to you. Anything you can do to ease your mind is going to be a benefit. If you’re facing a serious health situation, with nerve-racking waits for a diagnosis and perhaps the ordeal of treatment, this might become your primary focus for the moment. You may find that you don’t have enough mental or emotional energy to think as much about your child. Grief might be somewhat pushed aside as your own survival instinct kicks in. Perhaps in these moments you need to focus more on yourself and your own self-care. This is only to be expected. It doesn’t mean you care about your child any less. It’s just that there is a limit to your ’emotional bandwidth’. Coping with your own health issues alongside coping with your grief is going to be tiring. Allow yourself grace to do what is needful at this moment. You can only do what you can do. This is a season. Hopefully, it will pass. Until then, take it day by day. Abi May, forever mother of Pax and Catherine, is an author who writes a regular blog at avalleyjournal.co.uk which contains many useful articles such as the piece above (edited for space). Abi also runs a retreat programme called ‘Living with Loss’.
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