Compassion, Winter 2020

Winter 2020 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 12 Did I ever consider “checking out”? (as a good friend puts it) – absolutely! Quite frequently during the first three years or so, I would say. I think thoughts of that nature are perfectly natural in the early years of deep grief. But I chose not to, for various reasons, and now I am glad I continued to keep getting up each day and just taking it a day, an hour, or even a few moments at a time. I am more comfortable with my grief now. Yes, sometimes, out of the blue, even in the absence of any significant dates, I will find myself with that overwhelming longing to kiss and hug my girl and the tears will flow again. And I am expecting a surge of emotions around the time of her 10th anniversary. But I have learned that these particularly difficult times will pass and calm will be restored once again. Over the last few years I have unexpectedly found pleasure in my garden. I have obtained lots of pots and patio containers and am slowly learning which plants work well together and which don’t. By the time you read this, I will have retired from the NHS after more than 39 years service. It won’t be the retirement I thought I would have (I envisaged at least 2 or 3 grandchildren to take care of) but I will make the best I can of it. In fact I hope to get a part time job in a garden centre. I guess my message is just this. To newly bereaved parents - even if you don’t, or can’t use the coping mechanisms many others find useful, this is survivable and although the sadness and pain will always be just under the surface, you will eventually learn to take pleasure in other things in your life, so there is hope, even when you cannot see it. Louise Palmer, Becky’s Mum I miss you so very much, Sweetheart xx Dear Jean The following is an imaginary letter between Jean Now and the Jean Then, left behind when her son, Mark died. It is taken from the Epilogue in the book, IF ONLY , written by Jean Beith, a copy of which is in our TCF library. Dear Jean Then On that day you had no idea I would be alive ten years on. Dear Jean Now I have watched you change over those years and I’m glad to hear from you. I remember on the day it happened, stroking his hair and thinking, ‘This can’t be true’. I think that was the moment I left the old Jean behind and began the journey to the new Jean. Let’s talk consequences.