Compassion, Winter 2020

Winter 2020 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 8 about Fabian, his death nearly six years ago and the fact that his death was the catalyst for my becoming a mediator. I told them that he had been with me the whole way over the last few years and that I wanted to take this opportunity to remember him, to say his name out loud and to dedicate my award to Fabian. I then repeated the same as a post on LinkedIn and finished it with the hashtag #OnlyLove . So why I am telling you all this? Well there are three reasons. Firstly, it was so important for me to be able to say in public the reason for my being a mediator and to say Fabian’s name and dedicate my award to him. Secondly, what followed my saying these words and then posting them on social media was simply incredible. I witnessed an outpouring of love and affection the likes of which I have not experienced in the almost six years since Fabian died. Many bereaved parents and siblings reached out to me to send their condolences and to tell me their own personal stories of loss and grief. But the greatest surprise were the messages that came from those who are not bereaved as we are. So many people, predominantly strangers, reached out not only to express condolences but also to thank me for sharing my story and for me telling them about Fabian. Having seen this incredible response, I decided some three weeks later to follow up with another post on LinkedIn on the occasion of what would have been Fabian’s 25th birthday. I referred back to my previous post, I posted a photo of Fabian and took the opportunity to tell them about TCF and all that we do. And this time I dedicated the post and the occasion of Fabian’s 25th Birthday to all bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents everywhere. Again I was met with the same outpouring of love, affection and absolute kindness. And so to the third reason for telling you all about this. One of the things that we all struggle with is the disconnect we see between ourselves and those who are not bereaved like us. At support groups we often hear the challenges that we face when dealing with the outside world, the non-bereaved, who cannot understand what we are going through. The fact of this is not surprising, but the effect of it, as we all know, can be very difficult for many of us and sometimes very upsetting. And it is for this reason that I wanted to share my story with you. I saw that when I took the step of talking about Fabian, of telling his story and of ‘saying his name’, the response was one of #Onlylove . I realised I had created a situation where others felt comfortable to express their own feelings. And they expressed them in a way that I had not expected and in a way that moved me beyond expectations. And there was one in particular, from a complete stranger, that has stayed with me and which I would like to share with you. The words: “Fabian is alive in your heart and he is now in ours, now that we have got to know about him.” I cannot express how much these few words mean to me. And so my dear Compassionate Friends, as we come to the end of a year that none of us ever contemplated, let us go forward in 2021 with our children, siblings, and grandchildren, remembering them, telling others about them and ‘saying their names’ as often and as loudly as we can. I send all of you my very best wishes as 2020 draws to a close, and wish that you will all stay safe and well as we go into 2021. Until the next time, I wish you all well over the next few months. Andrew Miller x (Fabian’s Dad)