Compassion Magazine Winter 2022

Winter 2022 - Compassion | www.tcf.org.uk 13 contributor says, “Death takes away our loved ones. But that doesn’t mean we can’t live well …” Val Golden This book is available from the TCF library, and for sale from the TCF website or from the publishers. Love Untethered: how to live when your child dies by Vanessa May (Published by Ayni Books) This book is presented in two halves; the first, (My Story) is Vanessa’s account of her life during the first year after her son, Harry’s death and the second (supporting the grieving process) is full of good practical advice about things we can do to help ourselves and suggestions for seeking help from others. The first part is very immediate and honest. Vanessa starts with the day Harry died, although he wasn’t found until the next day, and goes right through to the first anniversary of his death. Harry had recently moved into a shared flat when he suddenly became ill and died in his bed. We share Vanessa’s feelings as she finds out what has happened to her beloved son, as she faces Harry’s funeral and his inquest, as she and her family go on their first holiday, get through the first Christmas and then approach that first anniversary. She is quite open about her struggles with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), about wanting to die, and about her attempts to find help from counselling. We also learn about her sessions with mediums and the way signs such as finding white feathers or seeing butterflies, helped her. Running through the whole story is the help and support the family received from TCF. Two things struck me about this part of the book. Firstly the way some people can be so insensitive and hurtful was balanced with the care and compassion that others often show and that was true for me too. I especially love the way Harry’s friends were so supportive and kind and I think that reflects on the sort of man Harry must have been. Secondly, as I read, I often found myself thinking, “that’s how I felt” or “that happened to me too”. For example people would tell me how strong I was and I hated that because I wasn’t strong at all. This part of the book ends with a chapter called “Survival” as Vanessa reflects on that first year and finds, rather to her surprise I think, that she has survived.