11 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | BOOK REVIEWS This is a book about bereavement. The author is a bereavement counsellor with many years of experience. He is not a bereaved parent, but both his parents died of suicide when he was a young man. His intention is to educate and inform us about the process of grief following the shock and pain of losing someone central to our lives. He describes an approach which he found helped himself and others to live with their grief in a more positive way; this is called ‘mindfulness cognitive therapy’. Mindfulness teaches us to focus on the present moment, on our immediate experience, and it is a form of meditation. This book will inform you, but you may also need the support and guidance of a therapist to become mindful; to become self-aware. The author describes it as a tool to train our minds not to live in the past or future, but rather in the here and now. He sets it out under the headings of the five stages of grief identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This book would be helpful to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings reflecting on our response to our loss and wanting to understand it more. It would also be relevant to students, volunteers and staff, who are supporting bereaved people, because it conveys the reality of the complex nature of grief as a life changing experience. Mindfulness & the Journey of Bereavement; Restoring Hope after a Death by Peter Bridgewater reviewed by Anne McAreavey The basis of the framework is the three necessities for happiness: something to do (purpose), someone to love (love) and something to hope for (faith). That isn’t necessarily religious faith by the way, although it could be, but can mean a realignment with nature or re-connection with our inner selves. It encompasses the comfort we can get from simple rituals like lighting candles. For me this is very much about the continuing bond we have with our child, our grandchild or our sibling. Our relationship with them doesn’t stop but changes and develops and continues to the end of our lives. Kay quotes Elizabeth Gilbert who said “I can’t live without her -so I don’t”; I’d never heard that particular quotation before but it’s exactly how I feel too. In her conclusion Kay writes that she’ll always miss Syd’s physical presence, but her life has grown around her grief, and it is a good life again. She’s still with Rick and they are happy, despite their ups and downs; they live close to the rest of their family in the UK. This is a very interesting, honest and ultimately hopeful account and the title is perfect for the message it conveys. I’d recommend it to bereaved siblings but also to the rest of us. There’s a lot to learn from this book; it’s thought provoking, and it leaves you feeling upbeat and hopeful. See Kay’s article on page 22.
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