21 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | SIBLING GRIEF - FEATURE: THOUGHTS ON ADULT SIBLING GRIEF After the funeral, when life returns to normal, the world still turns as it turned before, we have all our usual routines and rituals back in place – how then, do we begin to approach and process sibling grief? The broad framework of the grieving process remains the same, I guess, with its non linear stages but it is different because of that shared history, the history which exists when we are made from the same gene pool as one another. My story was intertwined with my brother’s for our early formative years. When I look back at images, I see a loving brother and sister, holding hands, smiling to the camera. I cannot help but wonder when that changed, and whether fundamentally, that blood link, that familial sharing still remained? My sense of loss at Peter’s passing is profound. I miss the fact that the one person who I could talk to about our parents, as parents rather than the individuals they were, is gone. Peter’s recollections of family times were always clearer than mine, and there were shared jokes that would not mean anything to anyone else. I miss seeing his handwriting on the envelopes at birthday and Christmas – whatever else was going on, he always sent cards. We were together the night mum passed away in 2001 and we were closer then than we had ever been, sharing our thoughts and making a dent in dad’s whisky bottle whilst poor dad slept the sleep of the exhausted bereft. Peter was with dad in A and E when he died suddenly a scant 16 months later, but I was not. We again drew close over the ensuing period, sharing the funeral arrangements and the practicalities that follow bereavement. There is no doubt that our lives took entirely divergent paths. We were a bit like magnets, drawing together briefly every so often then springing away in opposite polarity. Ultimately our relationship was full more of what was unsaid than was said, and that is saddening. In the last few years, Peter and I had a new, closer connection as adult siblings. For once, I was proud to say, “I am catching up with my brother next week” rather than pretending he didn’t exist because he was so annoying. He was invited and present at two family occasions - a special birthday and the Christmas of 2016. We finally talked about the loss of our parents and of my son James and were able to cry and laugh together as never before, despite the sadness. I carry with me those memories, and the memories of some happy childhood times too. In the final analysis, the rest doesn’t matter. "I miss seeing his handwriting on the envelopes at birthdays and Christmas."
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