23 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | SIBLING GRIEF - FEATURE: THE TIES THAT BIND climb out of and in all honesty, I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to at the time. You see that’s the funny thing about grief, as much as it’s painful, it can feel like our only direct connection to the person that has died. Without the pain there is no love. In many ways the more pain I felt the closer I was to him. There is a saying that ‘grief is the price we pay for love,’ and I genuinely believe this – they come in equal measure. The sibling bond is like no other – it’s an undeniable connection – we quite literally share the same DNA. When we look at our siblings, we often see aspects of ourselves - the parts we love and annoyingly the parts we hate. It’s the only relationship where we want to push them off a cliff edge and yet catch them at the same time. I witness this playing out in my own sons’ lives. So, when a sibling dies, it’s like a piece of ourselves has evaporated alongside them. The rich tapestry of family life seems to come away at the seams - memories forever altered - every family photo now incomplete. Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all roses - we were siblings at the end of the day, and as with all siblings we had our moments. But they were rare. When we didn’t agree completely, rather than argue we would just drift apart like boats cast adrift at sea, not speaking for a few years at one stage, right before Syd’s shocking diagnosis. That diagnosis in September 2011 (on his twenty-eighth birthday) was like a bomb going off at the centre of the ocean – and although shocking and destructive, I will always be grateful that beyond the wake our boats were gently guided back to the safety of the shore. We were back where we belonged – together. Grief affects everyone differently, and when it comes to siblings, we are often overlooked. In the wake of our parents’ unimaginable grief, it can be difficult to process or even prioritise our own emotions without a sense of guilt. I mean losing a child is the worst of the worst, isn’t it? Too painful for most of us to even begin to comprehend. But Syd was my brother not my child, so there were times I didn’t feel I had the right to grieve in the same way my parents did. And how would we all readjust to this new family dynamic - without the golden child? Where was my place in the family hierarchy now? Did my remaining siblings feel the same way? And he left behind a twelve-year-old son; it is a tragedy to lose your father at such a young age. The problem is we often compare our grief, when really there is no comparison. We must acknowledge, accept, and honour our grief – and the many complex emotions that come with it. We are all unique as human beings – as is our grief. I now know there is no hierarchy of grief. It’s ok to feel whatever comes or to feel nothing at all. We must not judge someone else’s grief or our own. And the rule is – there are no rules. Learning to live without the physical version of my little brother has been unbelievably challenging. There are many times when I have wanted to give up, throw the towel in and just give in to my overwhelming grief, but then I remember that his death gave me a precious gift – the gift of a second chance at life and I would be doing him a disservice by wasting it. So now when I think of that saying Mum used to say I remind myself that despite Syd’s death ‘we are all still here’ - it’s only the form that has changed. We will always be a family of six and I now answer that sucker-punch question ‘how many brothers and sisters do you have?’ with a proud ‘three.’ He may not physically be here, but his spirit will always be with me - this I know. Our paths may have changed but our sibling bond will last forever. ‘Losing You, Finding Me; one woman’s crusade to save her brother and ultimately herself’ by Kay Backhouse. Published by 2QT Publishing and reviewed on page 10. "There are many times when I have wanted to give up, throw the towel in and just give in to my overwhelming grief..."
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