6 tcf.org.uk COMPASSION | FEATURE: SEVEN THINGS I DIDN’T KNOW (AND WISH I HAD) WHEN MY CHILD DIED Seven things I didn’t know (and wish I had) when my child died by Geves Lafosse At the age of three, my daughter, Juliette, was diagnosed with leukaemia – she died just nineteen months later. That was twenty-two years ago. Through the devastation I started writing down my thoughts, and in time, these notes became the book that I’ve called When Petals Fall. Those of us who have lost children are fully aware that it is rare occurrence, and I for one felt very alone in the experience. These are some of the things I wish I had known back then. 1. The guilt is huge Despite being told there was nothing I could have done, my inner voice repeated on a loop that I should have done more to keep her safe. I didn’t know that this guilt was normal. To deal with it, I turned it inwards, punishing my body for continuing to exist when my child’s body no longer did. I started long distance running and raising money for charity. This may have looked healthy, but my behaviour became a covert instrument with which to hurt myself. Because I’d survived my child, I deliberately ran despite injuries and in the worst of weather conditions. Training plans and physical pain created noise with which I attempted to block out emotional pain, and in the end it didn’t work. My grief at losing Juliette demanded to be felt. I know now that it wasn’t my fault that she died and that blaming yourself is just part of being a parent, but I wish I’d known sooner to be gentler with myself. I wish I’d understood that extreme emotion is not failure. It’s a natural, unavoidable process, and letting it happen instead of fighting it is the easier, kinder path. 2. Grief is tiring Like, physically, bone-crushingly tiring. I’ve since read studies that have shown that bereavement of this magnitude doesn’t just happen in the brain. I don’t know why I found this so shocking, but it makes sense now that every cell in your body should experience grief too. I did not expect to sleep so heavily and wake up exhausted, aching, craving sleep again, not only for the ceasing of my daytime thoughts, but for the physical rest. The process aged me. At the time, I was glad to see proof of this in the mirror. I don’t feel like this anymore but back then, I welcomed this evidence that I was closer to my own death. 3. Losing a child is not like other losses I had a man say that he knew how I felt because he’d recently lost his dog. Someone else compared Juliette’s death to their divorce. Juliette
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