Coping with Christmas

When your child has died, Christmas can feel unbearably difficult. The whole world seems to celebrating, everybody appears to be obsessed with preparations, which seem to go on for weeks. These confront us at every turn – in shops and streets, on TV, radio, in magazines and on the web and social media. We often feel alienated, isolated by our grief. As we contemplate Christmas – especially in the early years of our bereavement - we wonder how we will survive. It is normal for parents to feel they just want to ’cancel’ Christmas. It is a time to be with family members, and the enormous gap left by the death of our child is intensified. Christmas cannot be the same as it was because our family unit is not the same – not complete. If this is the first year, it will be painfully different from previous years. We may find the anticipation and stress of what we ‘should’ be doing very hard to deal with. Do we decorate the tree, send cards, give presents, attend a place of worship, join in the festive meal, go to a family party? If we have younger children or grandchildren, do we continue with important traditions of trips to the shops, the decorations, a pantomime, and a visit to see Father Christmas? If we are a lone parent, we may now find ourselves literally alone in our home. Many bereaved parents find the run up to Christmas – with all the accompanying anticipation– can be more difficult to cope with than the actual day itself. We hope that some of the ideas below might help and support you as you prepare for the holiday season: • Don’t allow other people to dictate to you how you should get through this extremely difficult time of year. Don’t feel you have to go to the office party or festivities with friends/extended family if you can’t cope with them. • Sometimes we don’t know what we will feel like doing until the last minute. Don’t feel you have to give others advance notice. Tell people you will decide on the day and you will come if you feel up to it, but may well not be able to. • Let close friends or family know that you are struggling and need to be able to talk about your child at this important family time. • Tell people that you need to have your child acknowledged by others at Christmas - to see their name in a Christmas card or to remember them with a Coping with Christmas

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