This season can be hard to bear particularly in the early years of grief, but it’s worth remembering that we won’t always feel the same. Most of us develop our own ways of coping with our grief. It is not always so intense. As the seasons unfold, year by year, we find our way through. In time, we will feel more confident making our own decisions. We will feel able to decide for ourselves whether or not to give presents, send greeting cards, decorate the home, put up a tree, attend a place of worship, join others in a meal or a time of fasting, or go to a party. We may still have our ups and downs. There may be times when we feel numb, but there may also be times when we actually enjoy ourselves – something perhaps hard to imagine early on in our tragic bereavement. Ideas to help Here are some ideas, based on the experiences of bereaved parents, that we hope will be a help as you prepare for this holiday season: Do what feels right for you. Try not to allow other people to dictate how you should get through this difficult time of year. Don’t feel you have to go to the work parties or festivities if you can’t cope with them. There is no right or wrong way with grief. Listen instead to what feels okay for you at the time. Sometimes you won’t know what you will feel like doing until the last minute. Let people know that you may need to decide on the day and you will come if you feel up to it, but may well not be able to. You might want to say that you will take part for a short time only. You might like to develop some remembrance rituals involving your child. For instance, attending a candle-lighting service with other bereaved parents, spending time at a special memorial place for your child on your own or with others, or making or buying a special card, decoration or gift for your child. You may want to tell people that you want to have your child acknowledged by others at this time. Family and friends remembering our child with a toast during a festive meal can mean so much. Tell your family members and friends that you’d like to hear your child’s name being spoken or memories shared. People often worry about getting it wrong or making us sadder. Sometimes it is up to us to let them know what we want.
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